Save the World Tonight

Dontcha wish it was that easy?

It's not. So I'll just finish off this bottle of wine and tell you that I'm trying anyway.

"As you come to know the seriousness of our situation--the war, the racism, the poverty in the world--you come to realize it is not going to be changed just by words or demonstrations. It's a question of risking your life. It's a question of living your life in drastically different ways." -Dorothy Day

"Not all of us can do great things. But we can do small things with great love.” -Mother Teresa

"Everyone knows that in those difficult moments in life, it is important--so important--that other people recognize our weaknesses and take care not to quench the flame of hope that barely flickers within us. It is important that people meet us, love us, embrace us, bind us up, and encourage us--in all of our confusion--to step into the next part of our journey." -Gary Smith, SJ, Radical Compassion 

"I don't know what I'm letting in, but I know it'll change me." -Jocelyn Sideco (IFTJ 2011)

Finding balance in life has been very difficult for me lately. Not only am I trying to remain concentrated on school, but I am staying present on justice issues, trying to be social, looking to the future, and attempting to sleep. Each week it seems I come up with a new goal or a new career opportunity. Knowing I cannot sit around and wait for those things makes each day a new challenge and makes it difficult for me to focus.

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This weekend I attended the Ignatian Family Teach-In for Justice in Washinton, D.C. with 55 other outstanding people from the Creighton community. Keynote speakers opened our eyes and hearts to various topics from the richness of Africa to Nike worker's rights to teaching peace to using art for justice. I developed relationships with people from school and learned their stories, sat on a bus for about 43 hours, and learned a little more about myself.

The theme of the teach-in was "The Gritty Reality: Feel it. Think it. Engage it." I've done some service and been hit very hard by a few experiences in college, but I don't know that I've found the grit that gets me the most. East St. Louis, IL, is a challenging place to be. Low graduation rate, abandoned houses and buildings, packed soup kitchens, kids with broken homes, tarp homes with sleeping bag beds, and so much more injustice burdens this unbelievably dangerous city. It definitely was a gritty reality to face. But I didn't find myself in that city the way I could have.

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What is my drive? My friend asked me a few weeks ago why I care so much. What is it that pushes me to serve? I'm not so certain about the answer. The best I can give right now is to say that I do this because each human being deserves to have every ounce of dignity that is innate in them. Whoever got it in his/her head that some people are more deserving of others? Human greed and the quest for power are destroying humanity. (For example: there's no reason besides greed that Nike needs to spend millions of dollars on advertizing while they refuse to pay workers a living wage and provide healthy conditions.)

I don't like when people ask me if I'm serving to "give back." Someone shouldn't have to give something to me in order for me to feel drawn to service and justice. I guess my experiences have just led to my love for it.

The feelings of humility, vulnerability, and compassion I feel when I serve and while reflecting on it are enough for me. I give a little of myself to someone I barely or don't know, and in return, I feel full of the simplicity of being with others, no matter their situation. For me, service is as simple as sitting in a room with a child and playing or listening to a story from someone who has no one else to listen. It's an act of friendship and love.

I've tried to figure out how much of a religious component there is in my service. I, as you may know, don't affiliate with any specific religion. I was born and raised Catholic, but it's difficult to identify myself with it anymore. My passion to serve comes from my experience and my understanding of what it means to be moral and ethical in the world. Christian values rooted in me certainly play a part, but I do not believe that religion is why I care so deeply.

Each person needs to be loved. I don't need a religion to tell me that.

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People who follow where my life is going someday: I may be going into primary education. No promises, though. I have it narrowed down (any by that, I mean I've added a couple new options). I'm even seeing law school as an option someday now. I'll try to keep you updated, as long as you continue to deal with my crazy brain.

Thanks for the read.

Sincerely,
Steph

Connected

The Earth is round
so everyone on it can be connected
With no corners
that put people on opposing sides.
When one person hurts,
When one person is in pain,
so is the world.

It's an everlasting cycle,
and the connections never cease.
Where will the injustice end?
Is it with you?
People hungry.
People hurting.
People homeless.
All in need,
but some too blind to see.

Open your eyes.
Just open them--
to the world at your
fingertips.

Give love a ring, and marry it--
The compassion is in your hands.
Know that love will bring hope
and great love
will bring great hope.

You are.
A tightly squeezing hand
in the connected chain of humanity,
holding each other
and pulling each other off the ground.

Believe that this is the end:
Dehumanization, distrust, dishonor.
Destroy it and reclaim earth.
Discover a new beginning of hope.
We have the chance;
We are the change.

Break the square of hate and horror--
rebuild it into a circle of trust and grace.
Be with instead of for,
be together instead of separate.
Love the person
across the world
whom no one sees.
Love your neighbor in need
Because we are all connected.

Be the voice for the voiceless.
"Be the change you wish to see."
Make all 360 degrees
feel worthwhile to be.
Give human dignity to all
because who would we be without it?

We are connected,
each giving life to one another
Through love
Give me your hand.

Whatever will be, will be.

So I was thinking about what I want in life today. Big deal, yeah? I thought about this quote:

"When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down ‘happy’. They told me I didn’t understand the assignment, and I told them they didn’t understand life." -John Lennon

Think about it. What do you want from your life? I don't think into the future much, but for the sake of writing this post, I thought of a few things. Some of it is a little naive or cliche, but it's true.

1. Kids. But not just any old kids. I want amazing kids. It may be very pretentious for me to say that, but when I was in Old Testament class my junior year in college, I learned an interpretation of the 4th Commandment that I had not ever heard. The Bible tells readers to honor your parents. It means to do things to bring honor to your parents. Make them proud to have you to carry on the genetic code. I want my kids to be that for me. Also, I don't want my kids to live off of technology. I don't doubt that much of how I am came from my parents forcing me to play outside instead of watch TV. It was worth it, and I want my children to play outside and love to be creative and imaginative and free. And you better believe I will adopt a child if I don't get any with my genes.

2. Unconditional love. Who doesn't want that? Everyone wants to love and be loved. Be to love. Love to be. I've been thinking about this one a little bit lately. I've dated a few pretty amazing people and they are still part of my life if they are meant to be. But searching for love is ridiculous. Get that crap outta here. Wait for it to fall into your wide open arms. I'd really love to get married some day (*shudder*), but that's all I know. He may never find me, and I'll have to be okay with that, too. (He better find me.) (Also, I will never be a nun.) I don't only want unconditional romantic love; I want unconditional love from my friendships. If you don't love me for me, go away. I seek to make people around me happy, and it's really difficult to do that when people don't appreciate.

3. Life to hit me as it comes. I've learned through many experiences in my life that everything can change in an instant. It's as simple as finding new music or an inspirational poet or as severe as a parent passing away at a young age. Things change, and people have to deal. I think change brings out the best in people. It forces them to leave their comfort zone and find new comforts or adapt. I want life to come at me, and I want it to make me think and wonder and search and discover. Granted, I would never want my kids to lose a parent like I did, it's certainly something that brings new beginnings. Life is cool stuff. I don't want to try to decide what happens next. I know I can't control it, so just let it hit me.

4. A part in the search for equality. If you know me, you know I love social justice advocacy and action. There's gotta be a reason I'm alive. I can't imagine going through life with no goals and nothing to search for. A lot of shitty stuff is happening in the world, our country, the Midwest, and my city. Whyyyy? Some people are really just idiots in my mind. Anyway. I want a part in the search for equality. I love human rights and human dignity. We've all got the things, but some aren't allowed to express them, and that sucks a lot. Even if it's just doing little tiny things, I want to be part of the solution to social injustices. If you aren't part of the solution, you're part of the problem.

5. Simplicity. This goes a lot with 4. A close friend brought up a good point once. The US has way too much fucking stuff. Why do we need 80 different cereal choices? Why do we need a bigger TV every time there's a bigger one? Is 3D TV really that cool? Throw a frisbee with friends. That's 3D, too. Service trips always remind me how much I don't need my cell phone. Have I ever felt happier than when lying on the floor giggling and connecting with a group of people? Nope. Not really. I'm guilty of it sometimes. I want things, but I know I can be happy without them. A friend told me once that he wants to live in a little house. I kind of do, too, until my kiddos need more room to frolic.

6. Patience. I learned a bit of patience this summer. It's a really amazing virtue. Throughout my work with kids and ESL tutoring for Sudanese refugees, I found that there is no reason to rush. Slow down and be understanding of the people around you, no matter their background.

7. Spirituality. Not religion. Different things. Ask me about religion if you want, but it's gonna take me a while to tell you what I think. (Also, this is one of my favorite conversations, so please do ask if you haven't already.) I want to be spiritual--to have spirit, to be a spirited person. I want to try to understand meaning by thinking about why someone is how he/she is. Everything I am is based on the experiences I have had in my lifetime, and I think everyone else is a product of their experiences, too. I want my spirituality to be understanding.

8. To really listen. Be truly present with your presence. Show people you care by listening to their words and their lives. Most of the time people are saying a lot more than the words you hear. I love to talk, but I love to listen, too. Life is such an interesting and diverse thing. People in different cultures, decades of life, majors, anything, open my eyes. There is a lot to hear, but you have to be willing to listen. I want to be able to really know someone from their story and their being.

9. Mystery. I love the world of not knowing. As I said earlier, I don't think all too far into the future, taking each day as it comes and adapting. Another example of mystery. This one is from the infamous religion chat I'm dying to have with anyone who is open-minded enough to hear my side. I don't know the essence of the divine creator, and I never will, so why should I try? It's a hell of a lot cooler to not know. There are a ton of things I want to know--why people in many countries of Africa live in such terrible conditions, why eating certain foods makes you feel better, or why I am a terrible singer--but there are a lot of things I don't want to know, too. The greatest question in my head right now is why I wrote this instead of my assignment. Will I ever know? Probs not. Adapt!

These are some things I want in life so I can be exactly what I want to be when I grow up--happy. Thanks for reading. I'm impressed if you scrolled to the bottom of my blabber. Homework time!

Sincerely,

Steph

The Little Things.

Yeah, a second post tonight. What's it to ya?

I had a lot on my mind tonight. Luckily, Ali and I could bond over that. I told her this, "Lots of thought and emotions and missings and wonderings today." There's usually not a lot going on up here in my brain (everyone can agree), but tonight it was all over the place.

Ken is silent again. And that sucks a lot. I can never tell if I have tough days because he's not around to talk to me or if he's not around to talk to me and I, therefore, have bad days. I just know that he somehow, no matter how physically far away, is always with me. Sometimes people will ask me how we became such close friends. I don't even know. We always ask the others' advice but never listen to it. He does things that make absolutely no sense, and all of my decisions are well-thought-out and logical. (My friends will immediately disprove that one. It was totally a joke.) Whatever happened happened. It was cool and junk. Anyway, we're best friends and mentally inseparable, despite anything we disagree on. I miss the guy constantly and blame God (not literally) everyday for taking him away from me (literally). Ken does what he wants, and here we are an hour apart but completely unable to communicate.

Change of subject. One of the scary things about social media is that you never can really know exactly everyone who reads what you write. That stops me from posting a lot of thoughts on crap like this blog. It held back the poem I wrote last night that one person besides me has seen. It holds back my ramblings about men. It holds back a lot of my judgments and worries. Can it hold back what I want to say now?

Nope. I don't think I can be friends with this one. I don't think there's time or effort available from me. I've worked to be friends with almost every guy I've dated, but I just can't say it's worth the work this time. Let's be totally serious for a moment. I found a "body guard" for myself four days after we broke up so I could show up at my best friend's house when he was there. Bad sign? Yes.

Now that I've released that. Don't search for someone who you want to love you. Just chillax, drink terrible beer at a party, and wake up the next morning with a phone number waiting at home (read "home" as "the place I slept when I was homeless"). It works better than you think. (Disclaimer: Please don't listen to that tidbit of advice. It wasn't one of my best pieces). The person could be freakishly like an ex, but that's not bad. The person could be a secret mind-reader and know exactly how you want to be kissed. You never know. If you take anything from this paragraph, please let it be "Don't drink the Grain Belt." Or let it be something about not searching for your future spouse.

I'm going home (loosely defined) again this weekend. This will be the last full weekend I spend there until I (maybe?) go home for Thanksgiving. If not Thanksgiving, winter break. Back in the good ol' QC I will find only three friends I know I will see. Yes, that's enough, but it's almost seems worthless. I wish there was more for me to say here.

In the previous post, you see that my summer is quickly coming to an end. I begin my re-training for my position at school on August 1. That's 13 days from now. NBD, right? Holy shit buckets. I don't wannaaaaa. (Moan. Groan. Complain complain complain. Annoyance. Grumbles.) There's a plus! I get to see outstanding people I haven't seen all summer! HELL YES! It just isn't fun because it means the simplicity of working at HyVee and the joy and love of working at Mason will end, and I'll have to do really cool stuff like payroll, evaluations, and duty again. Oh well, it's totally worth the amazing people I get to see every day and the free room and board.

So I generally don't think about the future...ever. And today I was a lot. This disturbs me. As I so elegantly mentioned on facebook, it must be the heat that's causing my crazies to come out. (It's balls hot, btw. The heat index at 10pm was 112.) Anyway! Next summer I think I want to do some type of volunteer program in Africa. More on that when I've researched. The following year's plans are still in the making. While a lot of people are applying to dental and medical schools, I'm seriously avoiding the GRE and applications. I am thinking, though. I'm deciding what I want and how I can be in my happiest place after I peace out of undergrad.

I miss people a lot today. Despite all those terrible things that happen at the end of summer, I am anticipating the return to Omaha of many people, especially Pat and Tim. Now that I am to a point in the night that I can barely get in a REM cycle before I have to get up for work, I think this post is over.

You guys are cool for reading until the end.

Sincerely,
Steph

I hope they know.

2 weeks? No no no no no no no. I refuse to believe it. I demand that my summer love sticks around beyond the next two weeks.

That's right. I said it. "Summer love." And, yes, I am talking about my internship. How many people can say they actually truly love their summer internship? I don't mean love like, "Yeah, this is cool. I could probably do something like this forever." I mean love like open-ear surgery on a six-year-old, "No you can't have a band-aid, you aren't bleeding," an exercise science major teaching English, "Ugh, these kids are so impossible," and "I'll miss you, too"s on Fridays.

Some may say this is a poor excuse for an exercise science internship. Those people can kindly shut their mouths. The application may not be my favorite part, but I have done more teaching of the junk I learn in my expensive classes than anyone else. I may not be doing cardio rehab or PT, personal training or athletic training, but I'm gaining more than anyone could ever dream.

The challenges others face at their internships--complaining patients, not being paid enough, cleaning too much, whatever--are nothing like mine. They cannot know what challenges me unless they are there to see it with me. I see innocent children who I know are not being fed but once a day, and I want to share my food with them. I hear the screams of eight children in a 3-bedroom apartment three doors down, and I want to share my space with them. I hear of abusive fathers, and I want to share my love with them.

In two weeks (less than, now) my internship hours with Mason Apartments will be gone and over-with, but the love of those kids, the determination in their parents' eyes, the hope in my heart, will last forever. My supervisor told me today that I can miss a couple days in the last two weeks so I don't do too many hours. I refused and told her I would be there every minute I could. I cannot stand the thought of missing those kids for more than a weekend. I don't want to walk out of that building on Friday, July 29, at 8pm because I know I won't be back there Monday.

It will be hard. Mason has done a lot for me. My direction in life has changed. I now mention social work as one of my career choices someday. My heart has opened to refugees. I want to go to Africa and be there for these amazing, strong people so their families can stay together instead of being half a world apart. I'm determined to go back weekly to be a part of the residents' lives still. I hope they know what they've done for me.

I've been a stand-in, another staff member, for them, but they've been my life for the last two months. I hope they know I love them. I hope they know they've changed my life.

"We lose ourselves in the things we love. We find ourselves there, too."

Sincerely,
Steph

StregthsQuest

Adaptability
You live in the moment. You don’t see the future as a fixed destination. Instead, you see it as a place that you create out of the choices that you make right now. And so you discover your future one choice at a time. This doesn't mean that you don’t have plans. You probably do. But this theme of Adaptability does enable you to respond willingly to the demands of the moment even if they pull you away from your plans. Unlike some, you don’t resent sudden requests or unforeseen detours. You expect them. They are inevitable. Indeed, on some level you actually look forward to them. You are, at heart, a very flexible person who can stay productive when the demands of work are pulling you in many different directions at once.


Woo
Woo stands for winning others over. You enjoy the challenge of meeting new people and getting them to like you. Strangers are rarely intimidating to you. On the contrary, strangers can be energizing. You are drawn to them. You want to learn their names, ask them questions, and find some area of common interest so that you can strike up a conversation and build rapport. Some people shy away from starting up conversations because they worry about running out of things to say. You don’t. Not only are you rarely at a loss for words; you actually enjoy initiating with strangers because you derive satisfaction from breaking the ice and making a connection. Once that connection is made, you are quite happy to wrap it up and move on. There are new people to meet, new rooms to work, new crowds to mingle in. In your world there are no strangers, only friends you haven’t met yet—lots of them.


Arranger
You are a conductor. When faced with a complex situation involving many factors, you enjoy managing all of the variables, aligning and realigning them until you are sure you have arranged them in the most productive configuration possible. In your mind there is nothing special about what you are doing. You are simply trying to figure out the best way to get things done. But others, lacking this theme, will be in awe of your ability. “How can you keep so many things in your head at once?” they will ask. “How can you stay so flexible, so willing to shelve well-laid plans in favor of some brand-new configuration that has just occurred to you?” But you cannot imagine behaving in any other way. You are a shining example of effective flexibility, whether you are changing travel schedules at the last minute because a better fare has popped up or mulling over just the right combination of people and resources to accomplish a new project. From the mundane to the complex, you are always looking for the perfect configuration. Of course, you are at your best in dynamic situations. Confronted with the unexpected, some complain that plans devised with such care cannot be changed, while others take refuge in the existing rules or procedures. You don’t do either. Instead, you jump into the confusion, devising new options, hunting for new paths of least resistance, and figuring out new partnerships—because, after all, there might just be a better way.


Positivity
You are generous with praise, quick to smile, and always on the lookout for the positive in the situation. Some call you lighthearted. Others just wish that their glass were as full as yours seems to be. But either way, people want to be around you. Their world looks better around you because your enthusiasm is contagious. Lacking your energy and optimism, some find their world drab with repetition or, worse, heavy with pressure. You seem to find a way to lighten their spirit. You inject drama into every project. You celebrate every achievement. You find ways to make everything more exciting and more vital. Some cynics may reject your energy, but you are rarely dragged down. Your Positivity won’t allow it. Somehow you can’t quite escape your conviction that it is good to be alive, that work can be fun, and that no matter what the setbacks, one must never lose one’s sense of humor.


Responsibility
Your Responsibility theme forces you to take psychological ownership for anything you commit to, and whether large or small, you feel emotionally bound to follow it through to completion. Your good name depends on it. If for some reason you cannot deliver, you automatically start to look for ways to make it up to the other person. Apologies are not enough. Excuses and rationalizations are totally unacceptable. You will not quite be able to live with yourself until you have made restitution. This conscientiousness, this near obsession for doing things right, and your impeccable ethics, combine to create your reputation: utterly dependable. When assigning new responsibilities, people will look to you first because they know it will get done. When people come to you for help—and they soon will—you must be selective. Your willingness to volunteer may sometimes lead you to take on more than you should.

Put your arms around me & I'm home.

Wow. Long time, no write, I guess.

So where to begin?

My summer has been quite different from any other so far. Instead of going home after the year ended, I moved into a house near campus with Kayla as my roommate and 3 other housemates. The independence from not being in the residence halls or at home for the first time is very nice. I like having a house where everyone shares responsibility for maintaining it. It has been a roller coaster ride so far, but I can't complain. I really miss having everything I need on campus, though--my job, my home, my food, my friends--because it's significantly less expensive to do anything. Finances have been the most stressful thing about summer, besides the internet barely functioning on a regular basis. It's amazing how quickly money can come and go.

Speaking of money, I'm working at one of the HyVees in Omaha. The store is really nice and the management loves me. I even got to go on a secret mission for the Manager of Store Operations one day! (That story can only be told in person.) The people there are pretty nice, though it just isn't the same as being at my old store. I think I fit in well, regardless, and I enjoy the time I spend there and the people I interact with. Plus, I get paid. Smiles beyond the aisles!

Here's the real story of my summer: Jeff is my hero. I was crunched for time looking for an internship, and Jeff opened up maybe the best opportunity I've had in my life. He opened the doors for me to get an internship with Mason Apartments. Mason is a part of the Mercy Housing organization which provides housing for low-income families throughout the US. In my particular complex, Mason Apartments, there is a very high population of Sudanese refugees. Nebraska itself has about the highest population of Sudanese refugees in the nation. My position as a volunteer-style intern had provided me with some of the greatest opportunities, and it has only been 3 weeks.

My primary task in my position is to create and implement a daily children's program. There are about 50 kids (from 0-18) who live in approximately 16 apartments in the building with their parents. Do the math. My program works with kids between 5 and 18, but the usual group that comes is between 5 and 11. They. Are. Amazing. (Sometimes a little crazy...but amazing regardless.) Since I'm and Exercise Science major, I wanted to do fun lessons about exercise, nutrition, and wellness with them, so each day I talk for about a half hour and then we all hang out. They all have very distinct personalities and love being active. I wish I could describe what they've done for me in the last three weeks--every day I feel closer to them than the day before. I realized today that I absolutely love these children and I would absolutely put myself in harm's way if it was necessary to keep them safe. Whether it's when they run up to me smiling for an end-of-the-day hug, when Okwagi caught a football for the first time, when I get pictures they drew for me, when Nancy gets in trouble and cries but wants to hug me anyway, or when Nyawec and her brother stop by for an evening snack and to play with blocks, I know I'm supposed to be there.

One of the other tasks I've gladly picked up is doing English as a Second Language (ESL) tutoring. Two of the women from the complex come to me regularly in the evenings to read with me and look at simple English grammar (which, by the way, is never simple) lessons. It may not be much, but I noticed both of the women struggle through many words in English but never fail to say these correctly: community, dance, smile, love, family, and peace. The joy I get from hearing them say those simple words is outstanding. I love that they recognize those words as parts of their lives. Though we always have a good time, I've certainly learned a lot of patience from working with them.

It's little moments with these amazing people when I feel the most alive. It's tiring working around 50 hours between the two jobs each week with basically no day off, but to see those kids and women happy is worth every second.

"Be kind, for everyone is fighting a hard battle." -Plato

Sincerely,
Steph

Throw your soul thru every open door.

Count your blessings to find what you look for.

Yes, Adele wins the title this time. It's probably because her music is ideal for schoolwork and that's a good amount of what has been keeping me busy lately.

So instead of writing one of the many papers I have due before Tuesday, I've decided to write a blog post. The things I do make no sense. (But I can guarantee this will still feel good to release.)

First! An update: My March 27th post must have spread around town because I am, yes it's true, dating an absolutely amazing guy from school who decided to step out of his comfort zone and start a relationship with me. And let me tell you: he's made me one incredibly happy lady lately despite how busy I am. He's a graduating senior but he's definitely worth holding on to. I can totally and completely be myself around him and feel accepted and even embraced for what a huge dork I am.

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"If you do not allow yourself to be known, you will never experience being loved" (John F. Kavanaugh, Following Christ in a Consumer Society).

Being known doesn't mean revealing your deepest secrets to everyone around you. It's sitting outside crying about a tough experience and having the perfect people walk past, sit down, share, and cry with you. It's being able to look into someone's eyes and know you're loved no matter how weak you look. It's best friend hugs and sharing trust with a close friend. Someone said once that actions are stronger than words. My friends don't have to know my secrets or every detail about my life, but they know my passions, my strengths and weaknesses, what makes me laugh, and how to be there when I'm in need. It feels good to be loved.

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I'm to a point in the semester (less than 2 weeks until summer) when one of my only motivations is being able to play Fruit Ninja on my boyfriend's iTouch when I've accomplished something. Why does my physical exhaustion overcome my motivation when I'm most in need? When does a person get to a point where s/he's become so overwhelmed with school and life that motivation to get out of bed in the morning and stay up late writing a paper is gone?

Many of us overestimate our ability to function. We think we can be 4.0 students, everyone's best friend, perfectly in shape, find a job, and still have time to know ourselves. It's not that easy. We can't do everything. But hell, some people really deserve credit for trying. Those people need a shoulder more than anyone.

Oh, life. How is it that you never slow down?

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Things left to do before summer:
6 classes
aerobics paper
history paper
CCSJ picnic
2 rugby games
GSA bbq
exercise physiology final
aerobics final
history final
theology paper
athletic training final
philosophy final
find internship
successfully transfer job
move out
move in

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Wish me luck?

Sincerely,
Steph

Life is Life.

Sorry I haven't posted in such a long time. I'm still not going to make a legitimate post because I have too many things to do, but I'll check in for good measure.

Everything is going really well right now. I'm a little behind in school and work things but there is a push to get caught up with everything. I'll be back around with a post about my current life and my near-future life as soon as I finally get this paper written.

Don't worry, people. I may not be posting much, but I'm still checkin' out what you have to say.

22 classes.
4 papers.
6 tests.
Easter Break!
7 more days of school.
one week of finals.
senior.

Good luck in all you're currently doing.

Sincerely,
Steph

Let's keep talking.

...anything to stop clock-watching.

I don't know what drives me to do things sometimes. Since when does leaving the dorm at 3am and going to someone's home I barely know until 6:30am makes sense? Seriously. I guess I was having a discussion kind of about this kind of stuff yesterday with the person I went to see. I just don't consider the future very strongly in my decision-making. I'm pretty much all about trying to decide what I want right here and right now. I suppose that is a carpe diem, quam minime credula postero ("seize the day, trusting as little as possible in the future;" huge street cred to Horace for that one) kind of attitude. I guess, haha. Ohhhhh, my brain sometimes.

But let me tell you. It was so much fun. I can't confirm whether it was the hour of the day, my...very easily affected..sense of humor, or the fact that he's hilarious that made me laugh at everything. Either way, here am I, once again, just doin' my thing at strange hours of the morning.

I'm getting to know him. It's really genuinely something I enjoy doing. I do like friends a lot. His insane friend who had be up since God knows when (like 33 hours earlier) even got to contribute a lot...with something ridiculous, of course. But there were a couple hours I don't even remember wondering why I was awake. That's a good sign, at least from my perspective. Conversation was definitely very engaging. Don't ask what we talked about...I can't remember much of it, but I do know I had a great time. I suppose split-second decisions are my thing sometimes.

Stop clock-watching and just enjoy your life.

Sincerely,
Steph

Keep marchin' on.

I am such a hot mess right now.

I heard there was some ridiculous stuff happening in my building, and while I wanted to help out, I didn't know anything and didn't want to get very involved. Naturally, I went to the farthest building away from where I live and started doing homework with Matt and Andrew. Shortly after my arrival I was asked to walk all the way back to my building for a quick meeting. I gladly did, but really just grew upset with the situation.

I don't understand how anyone can think it's ok to treat someone who they barely know so terribly. It's just unfair to her. I don't get what's happening with...society?..I don't even know where problems like this are rooted. One of my friends pointed out tonight that significantly more serious disciplinary action has been taken this year than most years in the past. But why? What was it in the minds of these people that made it ok for them to disrespect authority so openly and willingly? Where did real, honest respect go?

Now I know this absolutely does not apply to everyone, but it's hard to see around the really terrible stuff sometimes. Have you ever watched the nightly news? I've never seen an episode in which there are more positive things happening in the community and the world than negatives. There are people doing amazing things all over the world, and all we can show our families are the negative things happening around us. It's disappointing.

On a lighter note, I got to hang out and chat with Jack. He's such a great person, and I hope he knows it. He's half the reason I didn't go to bed until 6:30, but it's not his fault. I did drink like four cups of coffee at 1:30am. I was bound to be awake and talkative for a while.

Today's gonna be better...if I can stay awake. Soooo exhausted.

Sincerely,
Steph

Here I am, and I stand so tall.

...I'm just the way I'm supposed to be.


There's a lot of things I start thinking about when I'm in Davenport. It's a really random assortment of stuff, but it's all things that have significantly affected me in some way.

In the eleven years (on April 1st) since my dad passed away, it's become much more challenging to stand next to his tombstone and not wonder how my life would be different if he was still living. (Side note: I hated seeing my mom's name on that stone. The thought of it made my body weaken.) It's interesting going to funerals anymore. I've been to more than anyone I've met in my age group--it comes with having an old family (which is plagued by GI and cardiovascular diseases). So this funeral was different because rather than being sad for my loss, I sat there thinking about her children and knowing how they felt. It's hard knowing death so well. It's not really something I'd wish on anyone. Thinking about my dad's death (when I was ten) is still really difficult to do. I think more about how his absence has affected me, rather than his death, probably because I'm still in a lasting stage of denial. The memories really grab me by the shoulders and shake me. As bad as it sounds, it's nice being at school where people don't know my dad, so they can't remind me of him so frequently. It's tough to be around all the memories sometimes.

: :

Something that really puzzles me is how I can come home and have guys who are attracted to me and want to get to know me even better and build a dating-type relationship with me, but when I'm at school, I have none of that. I cannot handle a distance relationship, and the only guys who put effort into being with me are ones who are not where I am. I went out with a guy I met in the summer through my best friend tonight. It. Was. Awesome. He's extremely attractive and attracted to me. He makes me feel really good about myself. It just feels great. It was so simple to just joke around and talk and have a good time because I knew he was into me. Why can't guys in Omaha be the same? Creighton sucks at men. They can make some of the best people and most amazing friends of my life, but where are the ones like Adam and Ben? It just doesn't make sense. Am I a completely different person to the people at home? I don't feel like it. Blah.

: :

Today I realized one of my really close friends from high school de-friended me on facebook. Ouch. That sucks balls. "But why did she do that?" you ask. Who the hell knows. I already suck at keeping in touch with people, so when I lose the ability to read status updates and look at cute pictures of my friends from high school, I lose so much. Being in college (especially at one with such amazing people) makes relationships with friends at home tricky. I notice so many changes in myself that make it difficult to bond with friends from home who went to state schools, community colleges, or other (and quite different) private universities. Why is drinking the only thing we can talk about anymore? I love the person I am becoming. It's just the way I'm supposed to be. But why is it making it so difficult to communicate with the people who used to be the most important people in the world to me?

After a wedding and a date (neither of which I had planned on), I went to a party with basically the two main guys who got me into drinking before I left for college. They were naturally having a house party, and so I decided to stop in and catch up. I opened the door to the black-lit glow of a room covered in bud light cases, pictures of naked women, empty alcohol bottles lining every wall, and 15 people I'd never seen before in my life. I played (and won, mind you) a single game of beer pong, turned down a shot of Patron, and peaced out because everyone went outside to have a smoke or into a bedroom to complain and talk shit about everything and everyone around them. My life is not that. My really close friends at home have changed. But I have, too, and more than them, but I like me.

BUT I still have Hannah. Thank. God. <3

: :

Coming back to Davenport always makes me want to go back to Creighton. (Though, I must tell you how hard it is to look into my friends' and family's eyes and tell them I'm not coming back for the summer.) I like this place (kinda), but what keeps pulling me back to Omaha are the absolutely outstanding friendships I've developed there. Wow. Talk about amazing people. Seriously.  I wish I could sit here tonight and write a book on how important they are to my life. I hope the impact I have on their lives can be even the smallest fraction of what they've done for me so far. Being in Davenport makes me realize how close I can grow with a group of people from all different places and backgrounds. We all have our own thing, but when we get together for even a meal of the most terrible food ever, we can turn heads all over the cafeteria from our laughter. For whatever reason I chose Creighton, it was definitely the right reason.

: :

I have a couple more topics to cover, but those are for a different post on a different day. So for an unanticipated weekend home that involved a funeral, a party bus, a wedding, a date, a stupid party, lots of family, not as many friends, and lots of thinking, I guess I can sum it up by saying I can't wait to drive 4 hours back to hOmaha. There are a lot of things here I wish I could pack into my car and bring back, but I'm growing up and learning to accept leaving even the most outstanding people back home so I can come back into their arms another time.

Something always brings me back to you. It never takes too long.

Sincerely,
Steph

I came back sassy.

...and drank almost two whole bottles of wine.

It's becoming sort of a tradition to drink too much when I come back from a service trip. Don't ask me why because I have no idea. This isn't really the point of my post.

My SBST this year was very different than previous trips for me. (I've been on 2 others.) I think it had to do with me being a coordinator instead of a "participant." Though, I'd like to think I was just a participant who knew all the details for everything. The main difference of being a coordinator was seeing the same things in my paticipants as myself. Seeing them realize what their talents and love could do for the world was amazing. And it was pretty fun to have to be sarcastic and sassy to let my voice be heard over the 6 most sarcastic and sassy SBST participants ever. I don't think I've ever verbally attacked a group of people so much during one week of my life (especially a week committed to serving), but I meant well. This post is about to go crazy.

My first trip to Denver, CO, one year ago, put the idea of post-graduate volunteering in my mind. It stayed. 

My second trip to El Paso, TX, in October, pushed me to do more--and nearly pushed me out of school.  I was feeling restless, useless, and like I was wasting time being in school. There was so much more for me to be doing outside of these walls. My friends kept me here, though. I knew I needed to do something, though, so I committed myself to post-graduate volunteering. It strengthened.

: :

I am pre-physical therapy and always have been--at least that's what it feels like. But many experiences in the last few months have redirected me slightly. Children in poverty is one those things that should never be reality. But it totally and completely is. I don't know where, and I don't know for whom, but I am going to change someone's life. I may go into physical therapy still. I may go to grad school for nutrition. I may do neither and work for a non-profit my whole life. Who knows. Not me. But I am going to do something. It solidified.

: :

My third trip to Montgomery, AL, beginning one week ago, made me believe I can do something.

"We cannot do everything, and there is a sense of liberation in realizing that. This enables us to do something, and to do it very well. It may be incomplete, but it is a beginning, a step along the way, and opportunity for the Lord's grace to enter and do the rest. We may never see the end results, but that is the difference between the master builder and the worker. We are workers, not master builders; ministers, not messiahs. We are prophets of a future not our own." -Bishop Ken Untener for Archbishop Oscar Romero

"There aren't two categories of people. There aren't some that were born to have everything, leaving the rest with nothing, and a majority that has nothing and cannot taste the happiness that God has created for all. The Christian society that God wants is one in which we share the goodness that God has given for everyone." -Archbishop Oscar Romero

"Love has a transforming power. It is first and foremost a revelation of a person's essential, fundamental beauty and value. If nobody reveals to children their innate beauty and value, they will never know the importance and the meaning of their life." -Jean Vanier (Founder of the L'Arche Community)

I can't sit here and type up all the things amazing people have said all day, but I can promise you that I will do my best to live for others. Montgomery helped me to realize minds can be reformed and people can love unconditionally. Rev. Martin Luther King Jr. followed the teachings of Gandhi. They knew the importance of communication and non-violence in showing the world that all people deserve their innate human rights. We must follow their example.

Service trips are a pretty big deal in my life. They've shaped me and guided me in forming others. I can confidently say I look forward to the next one. They have stolen my heart. I'm getting ready for yet another week of school, keeping in mind that I'm at this university for a reason. I continue to push through the hard days and the long nights knowing that after I graduate, I can begin my year-long service trip that I call post-grad volunteering. I can't wait.

I have plenty more to say on this topic, and I am very willing to develop it even further. Bring it up with me someday.

Sincerely,
Steph

"The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others." -Gandhi

I Never Told You.

This is how I feel.

It never gets easier to say goodbye to Ken. I'm struggling through it, once again, because this time things were different. To have him right there physically with me for two days and then 1000 miles away the next day is really tough, and I also found the words to articulate my thoughts this time, which is an improvement. Sigh. This was a really challenging weekend to have before midterms. It was totally worth it, though, and I do not regret a single moment of it.

Sincerely,
Steph

Say it out loud that you just don't care.

Well that was a shit-filled Wednesday.

Lesson. Learned.

I guess I can't hope for anything more than friendship at this point, but I'll definitely take what I can get. His actions just confuse me so damn much that I never know what he's actually thinking. It doesn't matter anymore, though! Hoping for the best.

Sincerely,
Steph

A day made before I even sleep.

Yes. YES. YES!

Wow. Yes. I cannot complain about anything right now. It may not mean much, but that moment when you find out the feelings are mutual is the best moment ever. And now I have a plan, which is much more than usual.

We'll see where it goes. Hoping for the best!

Sincerely,
Steph

P.S. Huge shoutout to friends tonight. I think you are all absolutely amazing.

"If you fall, I will catch you time after time."

Beware: Steph's Philosophical Thoughts

...that come from sleep deprivation and philosophy class.

I left God and Persons (PHL320) with my mind blown today, as some tweeps may have seen. It. Was. Nuts. And confusing. There's a decent chance I'm just extra tired. I didn't read the material, but the class discussion today developed many thoughts in my simple, yet complicated brain. My "argument" will likely be quite flawed.  Here goes:

Anselm. Cool guy, right? He's from a hell of a long time ago...like 1400 years or something, but he did think a lot about the existence of a supreme essence, its importance outside of religions, its function in our lives, and details and other cool junk about it. We're reading Monologion, and today focused a lot on how the supreme essence came to be, and thus, thought about the existence of his creation.

Aside from the Catholic/Christian background I've grown up with, I'm not such a theological thinker. This philosophy stuff makes my mind go crazy, though. I'd like to think that my ideas of social justice, values, and morals stem from the philosophy of ethics, rather than from my religion, but I'm not ignoring the fact that a Christian background bring out my type of thought in people. I'm not actually a religious person. I had my time, but this college thing is making me think and doubt and discover a lot more than I had to in high school. Wow, glad I figured that out 2.5 years into it.

Here it is: The supreme essence (either "God" or "SE" for simplicity's sake) came from one of three things: 1) nothing, 2) something, or 3) itself. So we had to decide which. It turns out that SE came from itself. Why? Because nothing is nothing and something cannot come from nothing. We as humans have to understand that our ideas all come from things we've already experienced in some way. For instance: the Snuggie. I'll try to explain that one another time. SE didn't come from something because Anselm and I decided that nothing can exist without a SE to create it. Therefore, there was not something that could create a SE because that something would then become the SE. Cool. That means that the SE came from itself. Good. I like that. EXCEPT! If we say that the SE is eternal or timeless or infinite or whatever else, why must it come from anything? Couldn't the SE just have always been? That's what I think...at least today. Ha.

So we started talking about how creatures come into existence. The question started out under and understanding that all things come from the SE, but for that to be true, part of the SE would have to part to go into the new creation. That's not ok with the logic of the SE being incorruptible because an almighty supreme being cannot become less. I found this quote, and I like its idea:

“Thus, the Word of the supreme truth, who himself is also the supreme truth, experiences no gain or loss depending on whether he is more or less like creatures; instead, it must be the case that every created thing is so much greater and more excellent the more it is like him who supremely exists and is supremely great.” (Anselm, Ch 31, Monologion) 

To me, that means that the SE can lose or gain nothing, but things become greater when they are like the SE. That sounds just about right to me. So here's the deal. Where did the human being come from? Don't get me wrong, here, I'm an evolution believer, but I also believe it's being driven by something greater. I like to think that although species tend to derive from those before it, there's a God who is controlling the end results of the evolution. My thought: so the big guy was like, "OK. I need something brilliant. Literally brilliant." So he came up with the idea of humans. We're smart (though some, especially college freshmen, may not show it), and so hopefully this will make sense. If we came from the SE but none of the SE came into us, then what are we?

My thought: When you look at a Snuggie, you see a blanket with sleeves. We call this an invention. So this extremely popular--and kind of useful--thing comes into being. It is not something original in the sense that we are SE's original idea. There was some person who thought of a few things that, if molded together, could leave one's arms free to move about without killing the integrity of the blanket. Brilliant invention. So humans are kind of like Snuggies...made from the parts of a few other things, BUT we are completely original, unlike the Snuggie, which is a combination of other things.

This line of thought led me to believe I've got a little Rene Descartes in me. If we came from a SE, but none of the SE was lost in the process, and we were not made as a collection of other properties, then maybe we are just an idea. We don't have to be physical things. We could just be an idea. Right? We can imagine our senses. We can imagine space and space travel. We can imagine animals. We can imagine pain. As long as the thought is shared with another, it can become reality to us. Well, to me on this given day it seems right. I don't think the guy was necessarily wrong when he said we are only because we think. I certainly think that's a possibility. One of the things that make humans humans is our ability to reason. When we use reason and we share our thoughts and idea with others, they can spread like wildfire. We could just be the SE's idea, and we could just be coming up with new, amazing ideas of what we experience every day.

What I haven't thought about enough, and don't have the theological background as the basis for, is the idea that humans may have created the idea of God. What if that one is true?

Be positive and believe that philosophy means we get to pave our own paths and create our own lives. Sometimes we've just got to change the way we look at events and people and get a new perspective (preferably a more optimistic one) about our lives. We don't need things--the happiness we get from materials is invented just as the materials themselves. Happiness is created by sharing our thoughts and ourselves with those we interact with.

The truest happiness is possessed by those who own the least.

Sincerely,

Steph

Carpe diem, quam minimum credula postero.

"Seize the Day, putting as little trust as possible in the future."

-Horace

But the sound has just begun.

Listen to this one if you want to know what I'm feeling: Drumming Song

These are the lyrics that get me every time--

As I move my feet towards your body
I can hear this beat it fills my head up
And gets louder and louder
It fills my head up and gets louder and louder

I hate it when songs describe exactly how I feel, but I love it, too.



He needs to start listening better.

Sincerely,
Steph

One Day.

I love this song. Soooooo much.

Matisyahu- One Day

Sometimes I lay under the moon
And I thank God I'm breathin'
Then I pray don't take me soon
'Cause I am here for a reason

Sometimes in my tears I drown
But I never let it get me down
So when negativity surrounds
I know someday it'll all turn around because

All my life I been waitin' for
I been prayin' for, for the people to say
That we don't want to fight no more
They'll be no more wars
And our children will play, one day

It's not about win or lose 'cause we all lose
When they feed on the souls of the innocent blood
Drenched pavement keep on movin'
Though the waters stay ragin'

And in this life you may lose your way
It might drive you crazy
But don't let it phase you, no way

Sometimes in my tears I drown
But I never let it get me down
So when negativity surrounds
I know someday it'll all turn around because

All my life I been waitin' for
I been prayin' for, for the people to say
That we don't want to fight no more
They'll be no more wars
And our children will play, one day

One day this all will change
Treat people the same
Stop with the violence down with the hate
One day we'll all be free and proud
To be under the same sun
Singing songs of freedom like, one day

Think about it.

Sincerely,
Steph

Never an easy day.

My dad would have been 66 today. Old, right? My mom is old, too, but I sort of like it. I feel I have a very different perspective of aspects of life because my parents came from a much different era than many of my friends'. The downfall to having older parents is the fact that they're aging. My mom seems to be in pretty good health, but I'm still always really worried about her, especially with our family history.

This is my dad's day, so I'm going to talk about him. Karl H. Haas moved to the US with his parents and two younger siblings from Frankfurt, Germany in 1953 (a third sibling was born not long after arrival into America). He was eight years old. At his prime, Dad was 6'4" and had a great German build. I got many of my physical characteristics from my dad, such as his height, build, and eyes. I never really learned much about his life, but I know he went to a couple years of community college in Iowa somewhere and then began working. He worked for US West for probably about 30 years, which is what brought my family to Omaha. My mom retired from US West when I born so she could stay home and take care of my sister and me. We would often go to my grandparent's house and we would have the most German meals ever. I can't even remember what half the stuff was, but it tasted good! I faintly remember hearing Grandma shouting something in German to Grandpa who I was laying next to watching TV. I never really knew what was going on, though.

Dad loved to hunt and to coach my sister and my sports teams. He was always outside throwing softballs around and kicking soccer balls with us. He never missed our games, even if he wasn't coaching us. Every year, "The 4H Club" aka my dad, his youngest brother, and two others, would go deer hunting in NE, IA, and SD. They always came home with a deer or buck and we would eat nothing but venison for months. He always loved it. He smoked, too, which I hated...so much, or at least I hate it now. I blame his death on it without any reservations. Don't smoke around me. I will leave or ask you to. I prefer that people whom I care about don't smoke either. I just can't stand it. (Rant over.) I was really close to my dad. I would sit on his lap every night while our family was watching TV. When I was ten, My parents decided we would move to Davenport to be closer to family (especially my mom's). The night after we sold our house, Dad passed away. We still moved to Davenport, but our lives were quite a bit different.

I'm nearing the eleventh anniversary since his death, and I've almost figured out all the ways my dad's death has affected my life. There are an incredible number of ways, but the two that are most visible in my life today are financial stuff and my relationship with men. His was the only income in the family, and losing him meant that we had none. This affected the route my sister and I had to take to get to college. Throughout the last eleven years, there has been a lot different about the way our family handles things financially. We're good with what we have, though.

So this is the bigger one. Money doesn't matter nearly as much to me as relationships do. Since 5th grade (the first year I was in Davenport), I cannot recall being able to mesh well with girls. I played some sports, and I would grow attached to my father-figure coaches because of the absence of that in my life. This trend has continued since. As the middle school years progressed, I had one close female friend and about five really close male friends. I could talk with guys much easier than my own gender. It just felt right. High school arrived, and I attempted to be friends with the cool girls (and failed miserably). Eventually, I made some pretty good female friends on my sports teams, but it wasn't the same. I needed something else, so I joined the youth group at my parish, and I made four of the closest guy friends of my life.

That was pretty cool. No complaints for me! I started dating one of them (we'll call him Dan) the summer after my sophomore year. That, to say the least, didn't work out, but he is one of my best friends still to this day. I dated Ben (#1) for quite some time after that. Anyway, those things are irrelevant to my post. I LOVE my guy friends. I always know when I walk into a room of people I don't know, I will gravitate to the men. It's instinct anymore. I found such an amazing group of them at Creighton after a couple tough years, and I trust I'll be friends with them for a while.

Ken, one of my closest friends from Creighton, went to St. Paul, Minnesota at the beginning of this year to become a Jesuit. His leaving Creighton killed me. The most prominent male figure in my life peaced out. I had to figure out a lot about myself after the denial went away. Talking with a friend one night, I solidified an idea I had been constructing in my head for a few years.

My relationships with men are the most important thing to me when it comes to friends. I thrive on them. I need men I can trust to be there for me to lean on and to comfort me. I love the safe feeling I get around some guys. I love a good hug and a man's voice. I need strong male influence because it's something I haven't had for over half of my life. (It's an uncomfortable realization to say that...) But when I lose one (or one goes away for an extended time), especially one who possesses those qualities, it starts to hurt. I always have to have at least one immediate guy friend who can provide the stuff above for me. It's important shit in my life. I'm struggling with that right now. I have amazing friends here. I really honestly do. I've never had closer, more reliable friends ever. They just don't have the same type of physical presence.

So I really like men. Some people say women cannot have truly platonic relationships with men, but I am an exception. I am driven to be around them. I miss my dad a lot. I try to think of how my life could be right now if I still had him around. The thoughts are endless. I am thankful for all the men in my life, past, present, and future. You guys are my life.

There's a chance I will edit at some point. Check back in sometime.

Shoutout to Ali: Things I Like: Men.

Sincerely,
Steph

<3 RIP Dad

All the right signs.

You're giving them to me.

Sincerely,
Steph

(I wish there was more to say.)

Give me your eyes so I can see.

Listen to this: Give Me Your Eyes

(The song has nothing to do with this kind of stuff, but that phrase sparked my thoughts.) 

It's really difficult to see how you feel about me. People around us say they see chemistry, but sometimes you just don't show it. You may not know it, but I notice you staring at me. I see the way you're sitting, and I feel you making me smile and laugh. All of those things make me think you want something else, or something more, rather. If I could just get inside your head and see what you see and know what you know, we could have something more. I want to know about you. I want you to know about me.

Please?

Sincerely,
Steph

Traditional Blog Post #1

Hey gang,

So here I am on Sunday night/Monday early in the morning, just me, my brand new bloggity blog blog, and the people who I am chatting with on facebook. They don't know this exists yet, but I'm sure excitement will ensue when they find out.

I'm not sure what the philosophy is behind writing my thoughts down on the internet, especially since I haven't read my dose of Augustine for the night yet. By the time I finish writing this, I'm sure I could have read both chapters and written my exhausting paragraph about stealing pears or some kind of fruit, but here I am, with the peer pressure of my friends burning in my mind and my music reminding me how much I love dancing with a few drinks in me.

I don't mind writing about how I feel, but I usually just confuse myself while I'm doing it. I get tangled up in my words and can't decide what I'm feeling. Sometimes I even feel like a lot of my emotions are torn away. I try not to express much, which is something I've subconsciously picked up over the years of trials and challenges. I try to always be smiling and happy because seeing the people around me smile is my life in a nutshell.

Now that it's 2, I should probably read. Sorry, folks. This wasn't the most exciting thing I could have written!

A giant shoutout to all of you who peer pressured me into this. 

Sincerely,
Steph

P.S. My birthday is in approximately 46 hours. Hell, yeah, 21st birthday!