The Little Things.

Yeah, a second post tonight. What's it to ya?

I had a lot on my mind tonight. Luckily, Ali and I could bond over that. I told her this, "Lots of thought and emotions and missings and wonderings today." There's usually not a lot going on up here in my brain (everyone can agree), but tonight it was all over the place.

Ken is silent again. And that sucks a lot. I can never tell if I have tough days because he's not around to talk to me or if he's not around to talk to me and I, therefore, have bad days. I just know that he somehow, no matter how physically far away, is always with me. Sometimes people will ask me how we became such close friends. I don't even know. We always ask the others' advice but never listen to it. He does things that make absolutely no sense, and all of my decisions are well-thought-out and logical. (My friends will immediately disprove that one. It was totally a joke.) Whatever happened happened. It was cool and junk. Anyway, we're best friends and mentally inseparable, despite anything we disagree on. I miss the guy constantly and blame God (not literally) everyday for taking him away from me (literally). Ken does what he wants, and here we are an hour apart but completely unable to communicate.

Change of subject. One of the scary things about social media is that you never can really know exactly everyone who reads what you write. That stops me from posting a lot of thoughts on crap like this blog. It held back the poem I wrote last night that one person besides me has seen. It holds back my ramblings about men. It holds back a lot of my judgments and worries. Can it hold back what I want to say now?

Nope. I don't think I can be friends with this one. I don't think there's time or effort available from me. I've worked to be friends with almost every guy I've dated, but I just can't say it's worth the work this time. Let's be totally serious for a moment. I found a "body guard" for myself four days after we broke up so I could show up at my best friend's house when he was there. Bad sign? Yes.

Now that I've released that. Don't search for someone who you want to love you. Just chillax, drink terrible beer at a party, and wake up the next morning with a phone number waiting at home (read "home" as "the place I slept when I was homeless"). It works better than you think. (Disclaimer: Please don't listen to that tidbit of advice. It wasn't one of my best pieces). The person could be freakishly like an ex, but that's not bad. The person could be a secret mind-reader and know exactly how you want to be kissed. You never know. If you take anything from this paragraph, please let it be "Don't drink the Grain Belt." Or let it be something about not searching for your future spouse.

I'm going home (loosely defined) again this weekend. This will be the last full weekend I spend there until I (maybe?) go home for Thanksgiving. If not Thanksgiving, winter break. Back in the good ol' QC I will find only three friends I know I will see. Yes, that's enough, but it's almost seems worthless. I wish there was more for me to say here.

In the previous post, you see that my summer is quickly coming to an end. I begin my re-training for my position at school on August 1. That's 13 days from now. NBD, right? Holy shit buckets. I don't wannaaaaa. (Moan. Groan. Complain complain complain. Annoyance. Grumbles.) There's a plus! I get to see outstanding people I haven't seen all summer! HELL YES! It just isn't fun because it means the simplicity of working at HyVee and the joy and love of working at Mason will end, and I'll have to do really cool stuff like payroll, evaluations, and duty again. Oh well, it's totally worth the amazing people I get to see every day and the free room and board.

So I generally don't think about the future...ever. And today I was a lot. This disturbs me. As I so elegantly mentioned on facebook, it must be the heat that's causing my crazies to come out. (It's balls hot, btw. The heat index at 10pm was 112.) Anyway! Next summer I think I want to do some type of volunteer program in Africa. More on that when I've researched. The following year's plans are still in the making. While a lot of people are applying to dental and medical schools, I'm seriously avoiding the GRE and applications. I am thinking, though. I'm deciding what I want and how I can be in my happiest place after I peace out of undergrad.

I miss people a lot today. Despite all those terrible things that happen at the end of summer, I am anticipating the return to Omaha of many people, especially Pat and Tim. Now that I am to a point in the night that I can barely get in a REM cycle before I have to get up for work, I think this post is over.

You guys are cool for reading until the end.

Sincerely,
Steph