Throw your soul thru every open door.

Count your blessings to find what you look for.

Yes, Adele wins the title this time. It's probably because her music is ideal for schoolwork and that's a good amount of what has been keeping me busy lately.

So instead of writing one of the many papers I have due before Tuesday, I've decided to write a blog post. The things I do make no sense. (But I can guarantee this will still feel good to release.)

First! An update: My March 27th post must have spread around town because I am, yes it's true, dating an absolutely amazing guy from school who decided to step out of his comfort zone and start a relationship with me. And let me tell you: he's made me one incredibly happy lady lately despite how busy I am. He's a graduating senior but he's definitely worth holding on to. I can totally and completely be myself around him and feel accepted and even embraced for what a huge dork I am.

: :

"If you do not allow yourself to be known, you will never experience being loved" (John F. Kavanaugh, Following Christ in a Consumer Society).

Being known doesn't mean revealing your deepest secrets to everyone around you. It's sitting outside crying about a tough experience and having the perfect people walk past, sit down, share, and cry with you. It's being able to look into someone's eyes and know you're loved no matter how weak you look. It's best friend hugs and sharing trust with a close friend. Someone said once that actions are stronger than words. My friends don't have to know my secrets or every detail about my life, but they know my passions, my strengths and weaknesses, what makes me laugh, and how to be there when I'm in need. It feels good to be loved.

: :

I'm to a point in the semester (less than 2 weeks until summer) when one of my only motivations is being able to play Fruit Ninja on my boyfriend's iTouch when I've accomplished something. Why does my physical exhaustion overcome my motivation when I'm most in need? When does a person get to a point where s/he's become so overwhelmed with school and life that motivation to get out of bed in the morning and stay up late writing a paper is gone?

Many of us overestimate our ability to function. We think we can be 4.0 students, everyone's best friend, perfectly in shape, find a job, and still have time to know ourselves. It's not that easy. We can't do everything. But hell, some people really deserve credit for trying. Those people need a shoulder more than anyone.

Oh, life. How is it that you never slow down?

: :

Things left to do before summer:
6 classes
aerobics paper
history paper
CCSJ picnic
2 rugby games
GSA bbq
exercise physiology final
aerobics final
history final
theology paper
athletic training final
philosophy final
find internship
successfully transfer job
move out
move in

: :

Wish me luck?

Sincerely,
Steph

Life is Life.

Sorry I haven't posted in such a long time. I'm still not going to make a legitimate post because I have too many things to do, but I'll check in for good measure.

Everything is going really well right now. I'm a little behind in school and work things but there is a push to get caught up with everything. I'll be back around with a post about my current life and my near-future life as soon as I finally get this paper written.

Don't worry, people. I may not be posting much, but I'm still checkin' out what you have to say.

22 classes.
4 papers.
6 tests.
Easter Break!
7 more days of school.
one week of finals.
senior.

Good luck in all you're currently doing.

Sincerely,
Steph

Let's keep talking.

...anything to stop clock-watching.

I don't know what drives me to do things sometimes. Since when does leaving the dorm at 3am and going to someone's home I barely know until 6:30am makes sense? Seriously. I guess I was having a discussion kind of about this kind of stuff yesterday with the person I went to see. I just don't consider the future very strongly in my decision-making. I'm pretty much all about trying to decide what I want right here and right now. I suppose that is a carpe diem, quam minime credula postero ("seize the day, trusting as little as possible in the future;" huge street cred to Horace for that one) kind of attitude. I guess, haha. Ohhhhh, my brain sometimes.

But let me tell you. It was so much fun. I can't confirm whether it was the hour of the day, my...very easily affected..sense of humor, or the fact that he's hilarious that made me laugh at everything. Either way, here am I, once again, just doin' my thing at strange hours of the morning.

I'm getting to know him. It's really genuinely something I enjoy doing. I do like friends a lot. His insane friend who had be up since God knows when (like 33 hours earlier) even got to contribute a lot...with something ridiculous, of course. But there were a couple hours I don't even remember wondering why I was awake. That's a good sign, at least from my perspective. Conversation was definitely very engaging. Don't ask what we talked about...I can't remember much of it, but I do know I had a great time. I suppose split-second decisions are my thing sometimes.

Stop clock-watching and just enjoy your life.

Sincerely,
Steph

Keep marchin' on.

I am such a hot mess right now.

I heard there was some ridiculous stuff happening in my building, and while I wanted to help out, I didn't know anything and didn't want to get very involved. Naturally, I went to the farthest building away from where I live and started doing homework with Matt and Andrew. Shortly after my arrival I was asked to walk all the way back to my building for a quick meeting. I gladly did, but really just grew upset with the situation.

I don't understand how anyone can think it's ok to treat someone who they barely know so terribly. It's just unfair to her. I don't get what's happening with...society?..I don't even know where problems like this are rooted. One of my friends pointed out tonight that significantly more serious disciplinary action has been taken this year than most years in the past. But why? What was it in the minds of these people that made it ok for them to disrespect authority so openly and willingly? Where did real, honest respect go?

Now I know this absolutely does not apply to everyone, but it's hard to see around the really terrible stuff sometimes. Have you ever watched the nightly news? I've never seen an episode in which there are more positive things happening in the community and the world than negatives. There are people doing amazing things all over the world, and all we can show our families are the negative things happening around us. It's disappointing.

On a lighter note, I got to hang out and chat with Jack. He's such a great person, and I hope he knows it. He's half the reason I didn't go to bed until 6:30, but it's not his fault. I did drink like four cups of coffee at 1:30am. I was bound to be awake and talkative for a while.

Today's gonna be better...if I can stay awake. Soooo exhausted.

Sincerely,
Steph

Here I am, and I stand so tall.

...I'm just the way I'm supposed to be.


There's a lot of things I start thinking about when I'm in Davenport. It's a really random assortment of stuff, but it's all things that have significantly affected me in some way.

In the eleven years (on April 1st) since my dad passed away, it's become much more challenging to stand next to his tombstone and not wonder how my life would be different if he was still living. (Side note: I hated seeing my mom's name on that stone. The thought of it made my body weaken.) It's interesting going to funerals anymore. I've been to more than anyone I've met in my age group--it comes with having an old family (which is plagued by GI and cardiovascular diseases). So this funeral was different because rather than being sad for my loss, I sat there thinking about her children and knowing how they felt. It's hard knowing death so well. It's not really something I'd wish on anyone. Thinking about my dad's death (when I was ten) is still really difficult to do. I think more about how his absence has affected me, rather than his death, probably because I'm still in a lasting stage of denial. The memories really grab me by the shoulders and shake me. As bad as it sounds, it's nice being at school where people don't know my dad, so they can't remind me of him so frequently. It's tough to be around all the memories sometimes.

: :

Something that really puzzles me is how I can come home and have guys who are attracted to me and want to get to know me even better and build a dating-type relationship with me, but when I'm at school, I have none of that. I cannot handle a distance relationship, and the only guys who put effort into being with me are ones who are not where I am. I went out with a guy I met in the summer through my best friend tonight. It. Was. Awesome. He's extremely attractive and attracted to me. He makes me feel really good about myself. It just feels great. It was so simple to just joke around and talk and have a good time because I knew he was into me. Why can't guys in Omaha be the same? Creighton sucks at men. They can make some of the best people and most amazing friends of my life, but where are the ones like Adam and Ben? It just doesn't make sense. Am I a completely different person to the people at home? I don't feel like it. Blah.

: :

Today I realized one of my really close friends from high school de-friended me on facebook. Ouch. That sucks balls. "But why did she do that?" you ask. Who the hell knows. I already suck at keeping in touch with people, so when I lose the ability to read status updates and look at cute pictures of my friends from high school, I lose so much. Being in college (especially at one with such amazing people) makes relationships with friends at home tricky. I notice so many changes in myself that make it difficult to bond with friends from home who went to state schools, community colleges, or other (and quite different) private universities. Why is drinking the only thing we can talk about anymore? I love the person I am becoming. It's just the way I'm supposed to be. But why is it making it so difficult to communicate with the people who used to be the most important people in the world to me?

After a wedding and a date (neither of which I had planned on), I went to a party with basically the two main guys who got me into drinking before I left for college. They were naturally having a house party, and so I decided to stop in and catch up. I opened the door to the black-lit glow of a room covered in bud light cases, pictures of naked women, empty alcohol bottles lining every wall, and 15 people I'd never seen before in my life. I played (and won, mind you) a single game of beer pong, turned down a shot of Patron, and peaced out because everyone went outside to have a smoke or into a bedroom to complain and talk shit about everything and everyone around them. My life is not that. My really close friends at home have changed. But I have, too, and more than them, but I like me.

BUT I still have Hannah. Thank. God. <3

: :

Coming back to Davenport always makes me want to go back to Creighton. (Though, I must tell you how hard it is to look into my friends' and family's eyes and tell them I'm not coming back for the summer.) I like this place (kinda), but what keeps pulling me back to Omaha are the absolutely outstanding friendships I've developed there. Wow. Talk about amazing people. Seriously.  I wish I could sit here tonight and write a book on how important they are to my life. I hope the impact I have on their lives can be even the smallest fraction of what they've done for me so far. Being in Davenport makes me realize how close I can grow with a group of people from all different places and backgrounds. We all have our own thing, but when we get together for even a meal of the most terrible food ever, we can turn heads all over the cafeteria from our laughter. For whatever reason I chose Creighton, it was definitely the right reason.

: :

I have a couple more topics to cover, but those are for a different post on a different day. So for an unanticipated weekend home that involved a funeral, a party bus, a wedding, a date, a stupid party, lots of family, not as many friends, and lots of thinking, I guess I can sum it up by saying I can't wait to drive 4 hours back to hOmaha. There are a lot of things here I wish I could pack into my car and bring back, but I'm growing up and learning to accept leaving even the most outstanding people back home so I can come back into their arms another time.

Something always brings me back to you. It never takes too long.

Sincerely,
Steph

I came back sassy.

...and drank almost two whole bottles of wine.

It's becoming sort of a tradition to drink too much when I come back from a service trip. Don't ask me why because I have no idea. This isn't really the point of my post.

My SBST this year was very different than previous trips for me. (I've been on 2 others.) I think it had to do with me being a coordinator instead of a "participant." Though, I'd like to think I was just a participant who knew all the details for everything. The main difference of being a coordinator was seeing the same things in my paticipants as myself. Seeing them realize what their talents and love could do for the world was amazing. And it was pretty fun to have to be sarcastic and sassy to let my voice be heard over the 6 most sarcastic and sassy SBST participants ever. I don't think I've ever verbally attacked a group of people so much during one week of my life (especially a week committed to serving), but I meant well. This post is about to go crazy.

My first trip to Denver, CO, one year ago, put the idea of post-graduate volunteering in my mind. It stayed. 

My second trip to El Paso, TX, in October, pushed me to do more--and nearly pushed me out of school.  I was feeling restless, useless, and like I was wasting time being in school. There was so much more for me to be doing outside of these walls. My friends kept me here, though. I knew I needed to do something, though, so I committed myself to post-graduate volunteering. It strengthened.

: :

I am pre-physical therapy and always have been--at least that's what it feels like. But many experiences in the last few months have redirected me slightly. Children in poverty is one those things that should never be reality. But it totally and completely is. I don't know where, and I don't know for whom, but I am going to change someone's life. I may go into physical therapy still. I may go to grad school for nutrition. I may do neither and work for a non-profit my whole life. Who knows. Not me. But I am going to do something. It solidified.

: :

My third trip to Montgomery, AL, beginning one week ago, made me believe I can do something.

"We cannot do everything, and there is a sense of liberation in realizing that. This enables us to do something, and to do it very well. It may be incomplete, but it is a beginning, a step along the way, and opportunity for the Lord's grace to enter and do the rest. We may never see the end results, but that is the difference between the master builder and the worker. We are workers, not master builders; ministers, not messiahs. We are prophets of a future not our own." -Bishop Ken Untener for Archbishop Oscar Romero

"There aren't two categories of people. There aren't some that were born to have everything, leaving the rest with nothing, and a majority that has nothing and cannot taste the happiness that God has created for all. The Christian society that God wants is one in which we share the goodness that God has given for everyone." -Archbishop Oscar Romero

"Love has a transforming power. It is first and foremost a revelation of a person's essential, fundamental beauty and value. If nobody reveals to children their innate beauty and value, they will never know the importance and the meaning of their life." -Jean Vanier (Founder of the L'Arche Community)

I can't sit here and type up all the things amazing people have said all day, but I can promise you that I will do my best to live for others. Montgomery helped me to realize minds can be reformed and people can love unconditionally. Rev. Martin Luther King Jr. followed the teachings of Gandhi. They knew the importance of communication and non-violence in showing the world that all people deserve their innate human rights. We must follow their example.

Service trips are a pretty big deal in my life. They've shaped me and guided me in forming others. I can confidently say I look forward to the next one. They have stolen my heart. I'm getting ready for yet another week of school, keeping in mind that I'm at this university for a reason. I continue to push through the hard days and the long nights knowing that after I graduate, I can begin my year-long service trip that I call post-grad volunteering. I can't wait.

I have plenty more to say on this topic, and I am very willing to develop it even further. Bring it up with me someday.

Sincerely,
Steph

"The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others." -Gandhi

I Never Told You.

This is how I feel.

It never gets easier to say goodbye to Ken. I'm struggling through it, once again, because this time things were different. To have him right there physically with me for two days and then 1000 miles away the next day is really tough, and I also found the words to articulate my thoughts this time, which is an improvement. Sigh. This was a really challenging weekend to have before midterms. It was totally worth it, though, and I do not regret a single moment of it.

Sincerely,
Steph