Save the World Tonight

Dontcha wish it was that easy?

It's not. So I'll just finish off this bottle of wine and tell you that I'm trying anyway.

"As you come to know the seriousness of our situation--the war, the racism, the poverty in the world--you come to realize it is not going to be changed just by words or demonstrations. It's a question of risking your life. It's a question of living your life in drastically different ways." -Dorothy Day

"Not all of us can do great things. But we can do small things with great love.” -Mother Teresa

"Everyone knows that in those difficult moments in life, it is important--so important--that other people recognize our weaknesses and take care not to quench the flame of hope that barely flickers within us. It is important that people meet us, love us, embrace us, bind us up, and encourage us--in all of our confusion--to step into the next part of our journey." -Gary Smith, SJ, Radical Compassion 

"I don't know what I'm letting in, but I know it'll change me." -Jocelyn Sideco (IFTJ 2011)

Finding balance in life has been very difficult for me lately. Not only am I trying to remain concentrated on school, but I am staying present on justice issues, trying to be social, looking to the future, and attempting to sleep. Each week it seems I come up with a new goal or a new career opportunity. Knowing I cannot sit around and wait for those things makes each day a new challenge and makes it difficult for me to focus.

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This weekend I attended the Ignatian Family Teach-In for Justice in Washinton, D.C. with 55 other outstanding people from the Creighton community. Keynote speakers opened our eyes and hearts to various topics from the richness of Africa to Nike worker's rights to teaching peace to using art for justice. I developed relationships with people from school and learned their stories, sat on a bus for about 43 hours, and learned a little more about myself.

The theme of the teach-in was "The Gritty Reality: Feel it. Think it. Engage it." I've done some service and been hit very hard by a few experiences in college, but I don't know that I've found the grit that gets me the most. East St. Louis, IL, is a challenging place to be. Low graduation rate, abandoned houses and buildings, packed soup kitchens, kids with broken homes, tarp homes with sleeping bag beds, and so much more injustice burdens this unbelievably dangerous city. It definitely was a gritty reality to face. But I didn't find myself in that city the way I could have.

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What is my drive? My friend asked me a few weeks ago why I care so much. What is it that pushes me to serve? I'm not so certain about the answer. The best I can give right now is to say that I do this because each human being deserves to have every ounce of dignity that is innate in them. Whoever got it in his/her head that some people are more deserving of others? Human greed and the quest for power are destroying humanity. (For example: there's no reason besides greed that Nike needs to spend millions of dollars on advertizing while they refuse to pay workers a living wage and provide healthy conditions.)

I don't like when people ask me if I'm serving to "give back." Someone shouldn't have to give something to me in order for me to feel drawn to service and justice. I guess my experiences have just led to my love for it.

The feelings of humility, vulnerability, and compassion I feel when I serve and while reflecting on it are enough for me. I give a little of myself to someone I barely or don't know, and in return, I feel full of the simplicity of being with others, no matter their situation. For me, service is as simple as sitting in a room with a child and playing or listening to a story from someone who has no one else to listen. It's an act of friendship and love.

I've tried to figure out how much of a religious component there is in my service. I, as you may know, don't affiliate with any specific religion. I was born and raised Catholic, but it's difficult to identify myself with it anymore. My passion to serve comes from my experience and my understanding of what it means to be moral and ethical in the world. Christian values rooted in me certainly play a part, but I do not believe that religion is why I care so deeply.

Each person needs to be loved. I don't need a religion to tell me that.

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People who follow where my life is going someday: I may be going into primary education. No promises, though. I have it narrowed down (any by that, I mean I've added a couple new options). I'm even seeing law school as an option someday now. I'll try to keep you updated, as long as you continue to deal with my crazy brain.

Thanks for the read.

Sincerely,
Steph

Connected

The Earth is round
so everyone on it can be connected
With no corners
that put people on opposing sides.
When one person hurts,
When one person is in pain,
so is the world.

It's an everlasting cycle,
and the connections never cease.
Where will the injustice end?
Is it with you?
People hungry.
People hurting.
People homeless.
All in need,
but some too blind to see.

Open your eyes.
Just open them--
to the world at your
fingertips.

Give love a ring, and marry it--
The compassion is in your hands.
Know that love will bring hope
and great love
will bring great hope.

You are.
A tightly squeezing hand
in the connected chain of humanity,
holding each other
and pulling each other off the ground.

Believe that this is the end:
Dehumanization, distrust, dishonor.
Destroy it and reclaim earth.
Discover a new beginning of hope.
We have the chance;
We are the change.

Break the square of hate and horror--
rebuild it into a circle of trust and grace.
Be with instead of for,
be together instead of separate.
Love the person
across the world
whom no one sees.
Love your neighbor in need
Because we are all connected.

Be the voice for the voiceless.
"Be the change you wish to see."
Make all 360 degrees
feel worthwhile to be.
Give human dignity to all
because who would we be without it?

We are connected,
each giving life to one another
Through love
Give me your hand.

Whatever will be, will be.

So I was thinking about what I want in life today. Big deal, yeah? I thought about this quote:

"When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down ‘happy’. They told me I didn’t understand the assignment, and I told them they didn’t understand life." -John Lennon

Think about it. What do you want from your life? I don't think into the future much, but for the sake of writing this post, I thought of a few things. Some of it is a little naive or cliche, but it's true.

1. Kids. But not just any old kids. I want amazing kids. It may be very pretentious for me to say that, but when I was in Old Testament class my junior year in college, I learned an interpretation of the 4th Commandment that I had not ever heard. The Bible tells readers to honor your parents. It means to do things to bring honor to your parents. Make them proud to have you to carry on the genetic code. I want my kids to be that for me. Also, I don't want my kids to live off of technology. I don't doubt that much of how I am came from my parents forcing me to play outside instead of watch TV. It was worth it, and I want my children to play outside and love to be creative and imaginative and free. And you better believe I will adopt a child if I don't get any with my genes.

2. Unconditional love. Who doesn't want that? Everyone wants to love and be loved. Be to love. Love to be. I've been thinking about this one a little bit lately. I've dated a few pretty amazing people and they are still part of my life if they are meant to be. But searching for love is ridiculous. Get that crap outta here. Wait for it to fall into your wide open arms. I'd really love to get married some day (*shudder*), but that's all I know. He may never find me, and I'll have to be okay with that, too. (He better find me.) (Also, I will never be a nun.) I don't only want unconditional romantic love; I want unconditional love from my friendships. If you don't love me for me, go away. I seek to make people around me happy, and it's really difficult to do that when people don't appreciate.

3. Life to hit me as it comes. I've learned through many experiences in my life that everything can change in an instant. It's as simple as finding new music or an inspirational poet or as severe as a parent passing away at a young age. Things change, and people have to deal. I think change brings out the best in people. It forces them to leave their comfort zone and find new comforts or adapt. I want life to come at me, and I want it to make me think and wonder and search and discover. Granted, I would never want my kids to lose a parent like I did, it's certainly something that brings new beginnings. Life is cool stuff. I don't want to try to decide what happens next. I know I can't control it, so just let it hit me.

4. A part in the search for equality. If you know me, you know I love social justice advocacy and action. There's gotta be a reason I'm alive. I can't imagine going through life with no goals and nothing to search for. A lot of shitty stuff is happening in the world, our country, the Midwest, and my city. Whyyyy? Some people are really just idiots in my mind. Anyway. I want a part in the search for equality. I love human rights and human dignity. We've all got the things, but some aren't allowed to express them, and that sucks a lot. Even if it's just doing little tiny things, I want to be part of the solution to social injustices. If you aren't part of the solution, you're part of the problem.

5. Simplicity. This goes a lot with 4. A close friend brought up a good point once. The US has way too much fucking stuff. Why do we need 80 different cereal choices? Why do we need a bigger TV every time there's a bigger one? Is 3D TV really that cool? Throw a frisbee with friends. That's 3D, too. Service trips always remind me how much I don't need my cell phone. Have I ever felt happier than when lying on the floor giggling and connecting with a group of people? Nope. Not really. I'm guilty of it sometimes. I want things, but I know I can be happy without them. A friend told me once that he wants to live in a little house. I kind of do, too, until my kiddos need more room to frolic.

6. Patience. I learned a bit of patience this summer. It's a really amazing virtue. Throughout my work with kids and ESL tutoring for Sudanese refugees, I found that there is no reason to rush. Slow down and be understanding of the people around you, no matter their background.

7. Spirituality. Not religion. Different things. Ask me about religion if you want, but it's gonna take me a while to tell you what I think. (Also, this is one of my favorite conversations, so please do ask if you haven't already.) I want to be spiritual--to have spirit, to be a spirited person. I want to try to understand meaning by thinking about why someone is how he/she is. Everything I am is based on the experiences I have had in my lifetime, and I think everyone else is a product of their experiences, too. I want my spirituality to be understanding.

8. To really listen. Be truly present with your presence. Show people you care by listening to their words and their lives. Most of the time people are saying a lot more than the words you hear. I love to talk, but I love to listen, too. Life is such an interesting and diverse thing. People in different cultures, decades of life, majors, anything, open my eyes. There is a lot to hear, but you have to be willing to listen. I want to be able to really know someone from their story and their being.

9. Mystery. I love the world of not knowing. As I said earlier, I don't think all too far into the future, taking each day as it comes and adapting. Another example of mystery. This one is from the infamous religion chat I'm dying to have with anyone who is open-minded enough to hear my side. I don't know the essence of the divine creator, and I never will, so why should I try? It's a hell of a lot cooler to not know. There are a ton of things I want to know--why people in many countries of Africa live in such terrible conditions, why eating certain foods makes you feel better, or why I am a terrible singer--but there are a lot of things I don't want to know, too. The greatest question in my head right now is why I wrote this instead of my assignment. Will I ever know? Probs not. Adapt!

These are some things I want in life so I can be exactly what I want to be when I grow up--happy. Thanks for reading. I'm impressed if you scrolled to the bottom of my blabber. Homework time!

Sincerely,

Steph

The Little Things.

Yeah, a second post tonight. What's it to ya?

I had a lot on my mind tonight. Luckily, Ali and I could bond over that. I told her this, "Lots of thought and emotions and missings and wonderings today." There's usually not a lot going on up here in my brain (everyone can agree), but tonight it was all over the place.

Ken is silent again. And that sucks a lot. I can never tell if I have tough days because he's not around to talk to me or if he's not around to talk to me and I, therefore, have bad days. I just know that he somehow, no matter how physically far away, is always with me. Sometimes people will ask me how we became such close friends. I don't even know. We always ask the others' advice but never listen to it. He does things that make absolutely no sense, and all of my decisions are well-thought-out and logical. (My friends will immediately disprove that one. It was totally a joke.) Whatever happened happened. It was cool and junk. Anyway, we're best friends and mentally inseparable, despite anything we disagree on. I miss the guy constantly and blame God (not literally) everyday for taking him away from me (literally). Ken does what he wants, and here we are an hour apart but completely unable to communicate.

Change of subject. One of the scary things about social media is that you never can really know exactly everyone who reads what you write. That stops me from posting a lot of thoughts on crap like this blog. It held back the poem I wrote last night that one person besides me has seen. It holds back my ramblings about men. It holds back a lot of my judgments and worries. Can it hold back what I want to say now?

Nope. I don't think I can be friends with this one. I don't think there's time or effort available from me. I've worked to be friends with almost every guy I've dated, but I just can't say it's worth the work this time. Let's be totally serious for a moment. I found a "body guard" for myself four days after we broke up so I could show up at my best friend's house when he was there. Bad sign? Yes.

Now that I've released that. Don't search for someone who you want to love you. Just chillax, drink terrible beer at a party, and wake up the next morning with a phone number waiting at home (read "home" as "the place I slept when I was homeless"). It works better than you think. (Disclaimer: Please don't listen to that tidbit of advice. It wasn't one of my best pieces). The person could be freakishly like an ex, but that's not bad. The person could be a secret mind-reader and know exactly how you want to be kissed. You never know. If you take anything from this paragraph, please let it be "Don't drink the Grain Belt." Or let it be something about not searching for your future spouse.

I'm going home (loosely defined) again this weekend. This will be the last full weekend I spend there until I (maybe?) go home for Thanksgiving. If not Thanksgiving, winter break. Back in the good ol' QC I will find only three friends I know I will see. Yes, that's enough, but it's almost seems worthless. I wish there was more for me to say here.

In the previous post, you see that my summer is quickly coming to an end. I begin my re-training for my position at school on August 1. That's 13 days from now. NBD, right? Holy shit buckets. I don't wannaaaaa. (Moan. Groan. Complain complain complain. Annoyance. Grumbles.) There's a plus! I get to see outstanding people I haven't seen all summer! HELL YES! It just isn't fun because it means the simplicity of working at HyVee and the joy and love of working at Mason will end, and I'll have to do really cool stuff like payroll, evaluations, and duty again. Oh well, it's totally worth the amazing people I get to see every day and the free room and board.

So I generally don't think about the future...ever. And today I was a lot. This disturbs me. As I so elegantly mentioned on facebook, it must be the heat that's causing my crazies to come out. (It's balls hot, btw. The heat index at 10pm was 112.) Anyway! Next summer I think I want to do some type of volunteer program in Africa. More on that when I've researched. The following year's plans are still in the making. While a lot of people are applying to dental and medical schools, I'm seriously avoiding the GRE and applications. I am thinking, though. I'm deciding what I want and how I can be in my happiest place after I peace out of undergrad.

I miss people a lot today. Despite all those terrible things that happen at the end of summer, I am anticipating the return to Omaha of many people, especially Pat and Tim. Now that I am to a point in the night that I can barely get in a REM cycle before I have to get up for work, I think this post is over.

You guys are cool for reading until the end.

Sincerely,
Steph

I hope they know.

2 weeks? No no no no no no no. I refuse to believe it. I demand that my summer love sticks around beyond the next two weeks.

That's right. I said it. "Summer love." And, yes, I am talking about my internship. How many people can say they actually truly love their summer internship? I don't mean love like, "Yeah, this is cool. I could probably do something like this forever." I mean love like open-ear surgery on a six-year-old, "No you can't have a band-aid, you aren't bleeding," an exercise science major teaching English, "Ugh, these kids are so impossible," and "I'll miss you, too"s on Fridays.

Some may say this is a poor excuse for an exercise science internship. Those people can kindly shut their mouths. The application may not be my favorite part, but I have done more teaching of the junk I learn in my expensive classes than anyone else. I may not be doing cardio rehab or PT, personal training or athletic training, but I'm gaining more than anyone could ever dream.

The challenges others face at their internships--complaining patients, not being paid enough, cleaning too much, whatever--are nothing like mine. They cannot know what challenges me unless they are there to see it with me. I see innocent children who I know are not being fed but once a day, and I want to share my food with them. I hear the screams of eight children in a 3-bedroom apartment three doors down, and I want to share my space with them. I hear of abusive fathers, and I want to share my love with them.

In two weeks (less than, now) my internship hours with Mason Apartments will be gone and over-with, but the love of those kids, the determination in their parents' eyes, the hope in my heart, will last forever. My supervisor told me today that I can miss a couple days in the last two weeks so I don't do too many hours. I refused and told her I would be there every minute I could. I cannot stand the thought of missing those kids for more than a weekend. I don't want to walk out of that building on Friday, July 29, at 8pm because I know I won't be back there Monday.

It will be hard. Mason has done a lot for me. My direction in life has changed. I now mention social work as one of my career choices someday. My heart has opened to refugees. I want to go to Africa and be there for these amazing, strong people so their families can stay together instead of being half a world apart. I'm determined to go back weekly to be a part of the residents' lives still. I hope they know what they've done for me.

I've been a stand-in, another staff member, for them, but they've been my life for the last two months. I hope they know I love them. I hope they know they've changed my life.

"We lose ourselves in the things we love. We find ourselves there, too."

Sincerely,
Steph

StregthsQuest

Adaptability
You live in the moment. You don’t see the future as a fixed destination. Instead, you see it as a place that you create out of the choices that you make right now. And so you discover your future one choice at a time. This doesn't mean that you don’t have plans. You probably do. But this theme of Adaptability does enable you to respond willingly to the demands of the moment even if they pull you away from your plans. Unlike some, you don’t resent sudden requests or unforeseen detours. You expect them. They are inevitable. Indeed, on some level you actually look forward to them. You are, at heart, a very flexible person who can stay productive when the demands of work are pulling you in many different directions at once.


Woo
Woo stands for winning others over. You enjoy the challenge of meeting new people and getting them to like you. Strangers are rarely intimidating to you. On the contrary, strangers can be energizing. You are drawn to them. You want to learn their names, ask them questions, and find some area of common interest so that you can strike up a conversation and build rapport. Some people shy away from starting up conversations because they worry about running out of things to say. You don’t. Not only are you rarely at a loss for words; you actually enjoy initiating with strangers because you derive satisfaction from breaking the ice and making a connection. Once that connection is made, you are quite happy to wrap it up and move on. There are new people to meet, new rooms to work, new crowds to mingle in. In your world there are no strangers, only friends you haven’t met yet—lots of them.


Arranger
You are a conductor. When faced with a complex situation involving many factors, you enjoy managing all of the variables, aligning and realigning them until you are sure you have arranged them in the most productive configuration possible. In your mind there is nothing special about what you are doing. You are simply trying to figure out the best way to get things done. But others, lacking this theme, will be in awe of your ability. “How can you keep so many things in your head at once?” they will ask. “How can you stay so flexible, so willing to shelve well-laid plans in favor of some brand-new configuration that has just occurred to you?” But you cannot imagine behaving in any other way. You are a shining example of effective flexibility, whether you are changing travel schedules at the last minute because a better fare has popped up or mulling over just the right combination of people and resources to accomplish a new project. From the mundane to the complex, you are always looking for the perfect configuration. Of course, you are at your best in dynamic situations. Confronted with the unexpected, some complain that plans devised with such care cannot be changed, while others take refuge in the existing rules or procedures. You don’t do either. Instead, you jump into the confusion, devising new options, hunting for new paths of least resistance, and figuring out new partnerships—because, after all, there might just be a better way.


Positivity
You are generous with praise, quick to smile, and always on the lookout for the positive in the situation. Some call you lighthearted. Others just wish that their glass were as full as yours seems to be. But either way, people want to be around you. Their world looks better around you because your enthusiasm is contagious. Lacking your energy and optimism, some find their world drab with repetition or, worse, heavy with pressure. You seem to find a way to lighten their spirit. You inject drama into every project. You celebrate every achievement. You find ways to make everything more exciting and more vital. Some cynics may reject your energy, but you are rarely dragged down. Your Positivity won’t allow it. Somehow you can’t quite escape your conviction that it is good to be alive, that work can be fun, and that no matter what the setbacks, one must never lose one’s sense of humor.


Responsibility
Your Responsibility theme forces you to take psychological ownership for anything you commit to, and whether large or small, you feel emotionally bound to follow it through to completion. Your good name depends on it. If for some reason you cannot deliver, you automatically start to look for ways to make it up to the other person. Apologies are not enough. Excuses and rationalizations are totally unacceptable. You will not quite be able to live with yourself until you have made restitution. This conscientiousness, this near obsession for doing things right, and your impeccable ethics, combine to create your reputation: utterly dependable. When assigning new responsibilities, people will look to you first because they know it will get done. When people come to you for help—and they soon will—you must be selective. Your willingness to volunteer may sometimes lead you to take on more than you should.

Put your arms around me & I'm home.

Wow. Long time, no write, I guess.

So where to begin?

My summer has been quite different from any other so far. Instead of going home after the year ended, I moved into a house near campus with Kayla as my roommate and 3 other housemates. The independence from not being in the residence halls or at home for the first time is very nice. I like having a house where everyone shares responsibility for maintaining it. It has been a roller coaster ride so far, but I can't complain. I really miss having everything I need on campus, though--my job, my home, my food, my friends--because it's significantly less expensive to do anything. Finances have been the most stressful thing about summer, besides the internet barely functioning on a regular basis. It's amazing how quickly money can come and go.

Speaking of money, I'm working at one of the HyVees in Omaha. The store is really nice and the management loves me. I even got to go on a secret mission for the Manager of Store Operations one day! (That story can only be told in person.) The people there are pretty nice, though it just isn't the same as being at my old store. I think I fit in well, regardless, and I enjoy the time I spend there and the people I interact with. Plus, I get paid. Smiles beyond the aisles!

Here's the real story of my summer: Jeff is my hero. I was crunched for time looking for an internship, and Jeff opened up maybe the best opportunity I've had in my life. He opened the doors for me to get an internship with Mason Apartments. Mason is a part of the Mercy Housing organization which provides housing for low-income families throughout the US. In my particular complex, Mason Apartments, there is a very high population of Sudanese refugees. Nebraska itself has about the highest population of Sudanese refugees in the nation. My position as a volunteer-style intern had provided me with some of the greatest opportunities, and it has only been 3 weeks.

My primary task in my position is to create and implement a daily children's program. There are about 50 kids (from 0-18) who live in approximately 16 apartments in the building with their parents. Do the math. My program works with kids between 5 and 18, but the usual group that comes is between 5 and 11. They. Are. Amazing. (Sometimes a little crazy...but amazing regardless.) Since I'm and Exercise Science major, I wanted to do fun lessons about exercise, nutrition, and wellness with them, so each day I talk for about a half hour and then we all hang out. They all have very distinct personalities and love being active. I wish I could describe what they've done for me in the last three weeks--every day I feel closer to them than the day before. I realized today that I absolutely love these children and I would absolutely put myself in harm's way if it was necessary to keep them safe. Whether it's when they run up to me smiling for an end-of-the-day hug, when Okwagi caught a football for the first time, when I get pictures they drew for me, when Nancy gets in trouble and cries but wants to hug me anyway, or when Nyawec and her brother stop by for an evening snack and to play with blocks, I know I'm supposed to be there.

One of the other tasks I've gladly picked up is doing English as a Second Language (ESL) tutoring. Two of the women from the complex come to me regularly in the evenings to read with me and look at simple English grammar (which, by the way, is never simple) lessons. It may not be much, but I noticed both of the women struggle through many words in English but never fail to say these correctly: community, dance, smile, love, family, and peace. The joy I get from hearing them say those simple words is outstanding. I love that they recognize those words as parts of their lives. Though we always have a good time, I've certainly learned a lot of patience from working with them.

It's little moments with these amazing people when I feel the most alive. It's tiring working around 50 hours between the two jobs each week with basically no day off, but to see those kids and women happy is worth every second.

"Be kind, for everyone is fighting a hard battle." -Plato

Sincerely,
Steph