Here I am, and I stand so tall.

...I'm just the way I'm supposed to be.


There's a lot of things I start thinking about when I'm in Davenport. It's a really random assortment of stuff, but it's all things that have significantly affected me in some way.

In the eleven years (on April 1st) since my dad passed away, it's become much more challenging to stand next to his tombstone and not wonder how my life would be different if he was still living. (Side note: I hated seeing my mom's name on that stone. The thought of it made my body weaken.) It's interesting going to funerals anymore. I've been to more than anyone I've met in my age group--it comes with having an old family (which is plagued by GI and cardiovascular diseases). So this funeral was different because rather than being sad for my loss, I sat there thinking about her children and knowing how they felt. It's hard knowing death so well. It's not really something I'd wish on anyone. Thinking about my dad's death (when I was ten) is still really difficult to do. I think more about how his absence has affected me, rather than his death, probably because I'm still in a lasting stage of denial. The memories really grab me by the shoulders and shake me. As bad as it sounds, it's nice being at school where people don't know my dad, so they can't remind me of him so frequently. It's tough to be around all the memories sometimes.

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Something that really puzzles me is how I can come home and have guys who are attracted to me and want to get to know me even better and build a dating-type relationship with me, but when I'm at school, I have none of that. I cannot handle a distance relationship, and the only guys who put effort into being with me are ones who are not where I am. I went out with a guy I met in the summer through my best friend tonight. It. Was. Awesome. He's extremely attractive and attracted to me. He makes me feel really good about myself. It just feels great. It was so simple to just joke around and talk and have a good time because I knew he was into me. Why can't guys in Omaha be the same? Creighton sucks at men. They can make some of the best people and most amazing friends of my life, but where are the ones like Adam and Ben? It just doesn't make sense. Am I a completely different person to the people at home? I don't feel like it. Blah.

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Today I realized one of my really close friends from high school de-friended me on facebook. Ouch. That sucks balls. "But why did she do that?" you ask. Who the hell knows. I already suck at keeping in touch with people, so when I lose the ability to read status updates and look at cute pictures of my friends from high school, I lose so much. Being in college (especially at one with such amazing people) makes relationships with friends at home tricky. I notice so many changes in myself that make it difficult to bond with friends from home who went to state schools, community colleges, or other (and quite different) private universities. Why is drinking the only thing we can talk about anymore? I love the person I am becoming. It's just the way I'm supposed to be. But why is it making it so difficult to communicate with the people who used to be the most important people in the world to me?

After a wedding and a date (neither of which I had planned on), I went to a party with basically the two main guys who got me into drinking before I left for college. They were naturally having a house party, and so I decided to stop in and catch up. I opened the door to the black-lit glow of a room covered in bud light cases, pictures of naked women, empty alcohol bottles lining every wall, and 15 people I'd never seen before in my life. I played (and won, mind you) a single game of beer pong, turned down a shot of Patron, and peaced out because everyone went outside to have a smoke or into a bedroom to complain and talk shit about everything and everyone around them. My life is not that. My really close friends at home have changed. But I have, too, and more than them, but I like me.

BUT I still have Hannah. Thank. God. <3

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Coming back to Davenport always makes me want to go back to Creighton. (Though, I must tell you how hard it is to look into my friends' and family's eyes and tell them I'm not coming back for the summer.) I like this place (kinda), but what keeps pulling me back to Omaha are the absolutely outstanding friendships I've developed there. Wow. Talk about amazing people. Seriously.  I wish I could sit here tonight and write a book on how important they are to my life. I hope the impact I have on their lives can be even the smallest fraction of what they've done for me so far. Being in Davenport makes me realize how close I can grow with a group of people from all different places and backgrounds. We all have our own thing, but when we get together for even a meal of the most terrible food ever, we can turn heads all over the cafeteria from our laughter. For whatever reason I chose Creighton, it was definitely the right reason.

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I have a couple more topics to cover, but those are for a different post on a different day. So for an unanticipated weekend home that involved a funeral, a party bus, a wedding, a date, a stupid party, lots of family, not as many friends, and lots of thinking, I guess I can sum it up by saying I can't wait to drive 4 hours back to hOmaha. There are a lot of things here I wish I could pack into my car and bring back, but I'm growing up and learning to accept leaving even the most outstanding people back home so I can come back into their arms another time.

Something always brings me back to you. It never takes too long.

Sincerely,
Steph