Yeah, a second post tonight. What's it to ya?
I had a lot on my mind tonight. Luckily, Ali and I could bond over that. I told her this, "Lots of thought and emotions and missings and wonderings today." There's usually not a lot going on up here in my brain (everyone can agree), but tonight it was all over the place.
Ken is silent again. And that sucks a lot. I can never tell if I have tough days because he's not around to talk to me or if he's not around to talk to me and I, therefore, have bad days. I just know that he somehow, no matter how physically far away, is always with me. Sometimes people will ask me how we became such close friends. I don't even know. We always ask the others' advice but never listen to it. He does things that make absolutely no sense, and all of my decisions are well-thought-out and logical. (My friends will immediately disprove that one. It was totally a joke.) Whatever happened happened. It was cool and junk. Anyway, we're best friends and mentally inseparable, despite anything we disagree on. I miss the guy constantly and blame God (not literally) everyday for taking him away from me (literally). Ken does what he wants, and here we are an hour apart but completely unable to communicate.
Change of subject. One of the scary things about social media is that you never can really know exactly everyone who reads what you write. That stops me from posting a lot of thoughts on crap like this blog. It held back the poem I wrote last night that one person besides me has seen. It holds back my ramblings about men. It holds back a lot of my judgments and worries. Can it hold back what I want to say now?
Nope. I don't think I can be friends with this one. I don't think there's time or effort available from me. I've worked to be friends with almost every guy I've dated, but I just can't say it's worth the work this time. Let's be totally serious for a moment. I found a "body guard" for myself four days after we broke up so I could show up at my best friend's house when he was there. Bad sign? Yes.
Now that I've released that. Don't search for someone who you want to love you. Just chillax, drink terrible beer at a party, and wake up the next morning with a phone number waiting at home (read "home" as "the place I slept when I was homeless"). It works better than you think. (Disclaimer: Please don't listen to that tidbit of advice. It wasn't one of my best pieces). The person could be freakishly like an ex, but that's not bad. The person could be a secret mind-reader and know exactly how you want to be kissed. You never know. If you take anything from this paragraph, please let it be "Don't drink the Grain Belt." Or let it be something about not searching for your future spouse.
I'm going home (loosely defined) again this weekend. This will be the last full weekend I spend there until I (maybe?) go home for Thanksgiving. If not Thanksgiving, winter break. Back in the good ol' QC I will find only three friends I know I will see. Yes, that's enough, but it's almost seems worthless. I wish there was more for me to say here.
In the previous post, you see that my summer is quickly coming to an end. I begin my re-training for my position at school on August 1. That's 13 days from now. NBD, right? Holy shit buckets. I don't wannaaaaa. (Moan. Groan. Complain complain complain. Annoyance. Grumbles.) There's a plus! I get to see outstanding people I haven't seen all summer! HELL YES! It just isn't fun because it means the simplicity of working at HyVee and the joy and love of working at Mason will end, and I'll have to do really cool stuff like payroll, evaluations, and duty again. Oh well, it's totally worth the amazing people I get to see every day and the free room and board.
So I generally don't think about the future...ever. And today I was a lot. This disturbs me. As I so elegantly mentioned on facebook, it must be the heat that's causing my crazies to come out. (It's balls hot, btw. The heat index at 10pm was 112.) Anyway! Next summer I think I want to do some type of volunteer program in Africa. More on that when I've researched. The following year's plans are still in the making. While a lot of people are applying to dental and medical schools, I'm seriously avoiding the GRE and applications. I am thinking, though. I'm deciding what I want and how I can be in my happiest place after I peace out of undergrad.
I miss people a lot today. Despite all those terrible things that happen at the end of summer, I am anticipating the return to Omaha of many people, especially Pat and Tim. Now that I am to a point in the night that I can barely get in a REM cycle before I have to get up for work, I think this post is over.
You guys are cool for reading until the end.
Sincerely,
Steph
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
I hope they know.
2 weeks? No no no no no no no. I refuse to believe it. I demand that my summer love sticks around beyond the next two weeks.
That's right. I said it. "Summer love." And, yes, I am talking about my internship. How many people can say they actually truly love their summer internship? I don't mean love like, "Yeah, this is cool. I could probably do something like this forever." I mean love like open-ear surgery on a six-year-old, "No you can't have a band-aid, you aren't bleeding," an exercise science major teaching English, "Ugh, these kids are so impossible," and "I'll miss you, too"s on Fridays.
Some may say this is a poor excuse for an exercise science internship. Those people can kindly shut their mouths. The application may not be my favorite part, but I have done more teaching of the junk I learn in my expensive classes than anyone else. I may not be doing cardio rehab or PT, personal training or athletic training, but I'm gaining more than anyone could ever dream.
The challenges others face at their internships--complaining patients, not being paid enough, cleaning too much, whatever--are nothing like mine. They cannot know what challenges me unless they are there to see it with me. I see innocent children who I know are not being fed but once a day, and I want to share my food with them. I hear the screams of eight children in a 3-bedroom apartment three doors down, and I want to share my space with them. I hear of abusive fathers, and I want to share my love with them.
In two weeks (less than, now) my internship hours with Mason Apartments will be gone and over-with, but the love of those kids, the determination in their parents' eyes, the hope in my heart, will last forever. My supervisor told me today that I can miss a couple days in the last two weeks so I don't do too many hours. I refused and told her I would be there every minute I could. I cannot stand the thought of missing those kids for more than a weekend. I don't want to walk out of that building on Friday, July 29, at 8pm because I know I won't be back there Monday.
It will be hard. Mason has done a lot for me. My direction in life has changed. I now mention social work as one of my career choices someday. My heart has opened to refugees. I want to go to Africa and be there for these amazing, strong people so their families can stay together instead of being half a world apart. I'm determined to go back weekly to be a part of the residents' lives still. I hope they know what they've done for me.
I've been a stand-in, another staff member, for them, but they've been my life for the last two months. I hope they know I love them. I hope they know they've changed my life.
"We lose ourselves in the things we love. We find ourselves there, too."
Sincerely,
Steph
That's right. I said it. "Summer love." And, yes, I am talking about my internship. How many people can say they actually truly love their summer internship? I don't mean love like, "Yeah, this is cool. I could probably do something like this forever." I mean love like open-ear surgery on a six-year-old, "No you can't have a band-aid, you aren't bleeding," an exercise science major teaching English, "Ugh, these kids are so impossible," and "I'll miss you, too"s on Fridays.
Some may say this is a poor excuse for an exercise science internship. Those people can kindly shut their mouths. The application may not be my favorite part, but I have done more teaching of the junk I learn in my expensive classes than anyone else. I may not be doing cardio rehab or PT, personal training or athletic training, but I'm gaining more than anyone could ever dream.
The challenges others face at their internships--complaining patients, not being paid enough, cleaning too much, whatever--are nothing like mine. They cannot know what challenges me unless they are there to see it with me. I see innocent children who I know are not being fed but once a day, and I want to share my food with them. I hear the screams of eight children in a 3-bedroom apartment three doors down, and I want to share my space with them. I hear of abusive fathers, and I want to share my love with them.
In two weeks (less than, now) my internship hours with Mason Apartments will be gone and over-with, but the love of those kids, the determination in their parents' eyes, the hope in my heart, will last forever. My supervisor told me today that I can miss a couple days in the last two weeks so I don't do too many hours. I refused and told her I would be there every minute I could. I cannot stand the thought of missing those kids for more than a weekend. I don't want to walk out of that building on Friday, July 29, at 8pm because I know I won't be back there Monday.
It will be hard. Mason has done a lot for me. My direction in life has changed. I now mention social work as one of my career choices someday. My heart has opened to refugees. I want to go to Africa and be there for these amazing, strong people so their families can stay together instead of being half a world apart. I'm determined to go back weekly to be a part of the residents' lives still. I hope they know what they've done for me.
I've been a stand-in, another staff member, for them, but they've been my life for the last two months. I hope they know I love them. I hope they know they've changed my life.
"We lose ourselves in the things we love. We find ourselves there, too."
Sincerely,
Steph
Friday, July 1, 2011
StregthsQuest
Adaptability
You live in the moment. You don’t see the future as a fixed destination. Instead, you see it as a place that you create out of the choices that you make right now. And so you discover your future one choice at a time. This doesn't mean that you don’t have plans. You probably do. But this theme of Adaptability does enable you to respond willingly to the demands of the moment even if they pull you away from your plans. Unlike some, you don’t resent sudden requests or unforeseen detours. You expect them. They are inevitable. Indeed, on some level you actually look forward to them. You are, at heart, a very flexible person who can stay productive when the demands of work are pulling you in many different directions at once.
Woo
Woo stands for winning others over. You enjoy the challenge of meeting new people and getting them to like you. Strangers are rarely intimidating to you. On the contrary, strangers can be energizing. You are drawn to them. You want to learn their names, ask them questions, and find some area of common interest so that you can strike up a conversation and build rapport. Some people shy away from starting up conversations because they worry about running out of things to say. You don’t. Not only are you rarely at a loss for words; you actually enjoy initiating with strangers because you derive satisfaction from breaking the ice and making a connection. Once that connection is made, you are quite happy to wrap it up and move on. There are new people to meet, new rooms to work, new crowds to mingle in. In your world there are no strangers, only friends you haven’t met yet—lots of them.
Arranger
You are a conductor. When faced with a complex situation involving many factors, you enjoy managing all of the variables, aligning and realigning them until you are sure you have arranged them in the most productive configuration possible. In your mind there is nothing special about what you are doing. You are simply trying to figure out the best way to get things done. But others, lacking this theme, will be in awe of your ability. “How can you keep so many things in your head at once?” they will ask. “How can you stay so flexible, so willing to shelve well-laid plans in favor of some brand-new configuration that has just occurred to you?” But you cannot imagine behaving in any other way. You are a shining example of effective flexibility, whether you are changing travel schedules at the last minute because a better fare has popped up or mulling over just the right combination of people and resources to accomplish a new project. From the mundane to the complex, you are always looking for the perfect configuration. Of course, you are at your best in dynamic situations. Confronted with the unexpected, some complain that plans devised with such care cannot be changed, while others take refuge in the existing rules or procedures. You don’t do either. Instead, you jump into the confusion, devising new options, hunting for new paths of least resistance, and figuring out new partnerships—because, after all, there might just be a better way.
Positivity
You are generous with praise, quick to smile, and always on the lookout for the positive in the situation. Some call you lighthearted. Others just wish that their glass were as full as yours seems to be. But either way, people want to be around you. Their world looks better around you because your enthusiasm is contagious. Lacking your energy and optimism, some find their world drab with repetition or, worse, heavy with pressure. You seem to find a way to lighten their spirit. You inject drama into every project. You celebrate every achievement. You find ways to make everything more exciting and more vital. Some cynics may reject your energy, but you are rarely dragged down. Your Positivity won’t allow it. Somehow you can’t quite escape your conviction that it is good to be alive, that work can be fun, and that no matter what the setbacks, one must never lose one’s sense of humor.
Responsibility
Your Responsibility theme forces you to take psychological ownership for anything you commit to, and whether large or small, you feel emotionally bound to follow it through to completion. Your good name depends on it. If for some reason you cannot deliver, you automatically start to look for ways to make it up to the other person. Apologies are not enough. Excuses and rationalizations are totally unacceptable. You will not quite be able to live with yourself until you have made restitution. This conscientiousness, this near obsession for doing things right, and your impeccable ethics, combine to create your reputation: utterly dependable. When assigning new responsibilities, people will look to you first because they know it will get done. When people come to you for help—and they soon will—you must be selective. Your willingness to volunteer may sometimes lead you to take on more than you should.
You live in the moment. You don’t see the future as a fixed destination. Instead, you see it as a place that you create out of the choices that you make right now. And so you discover your future one choice at a time. This doesn't mean that you don’t have plans. You probably do. But this theme of Adaptability does enable you to respond willingly to the demands of the moment even if they pull you away from your plans. Unlike some, you don’t resent sudden requests or unforeseen detours. You expect them. They are inevitable. Indeed, on some level you actually look forward to them. You are, at heart, a very flexible person who can stay productive when the demands of work are pulling you in many different directions at once.
Woo
Woo stands for winning others over. You enjoy the challenge of meeting new people and getting them to like you. Strangers are rarely intimidating to you. On the contrary, strangers can be energizing. You are drawn to them. You want to learn their names, ask them questions, and find some area of common interest so that you can strike up a conversation and build rapport. Some people shy away from starting up conversations because they worry about running out of things to say. You don’t. Not only are you rarely at a loss for words; you actually enjoy initiating with strangers because you derive satisfaction from breaking the ice and making a connection. Once that connection is made, you are quite happy to wrap it up and move on. There are new people to meet, new rooms to work, new crowds to mingle in. In your world there are no strangers, only friends you haven’t met yet—lots of them.
Arranger
You are a conductor. When faced with a complex situation involving many factors, you enjoy managing all of the variables, aligning and realigning them until you are sure you have arranged them in the most productive configuration possible. In your mind there is nothing special about what you are doing. You are simply trying to figure out the best way to get things done. But others, lacking this theme, will be in awe of your ability. “How can you keep so many things in your head at once?” they will ask. “How can you stay so flexible, so willing to shelve well-laid plans in favor of some brand-new configuration that has just occurred to you?” But you cannot imagine behaving in any other way. You are a shining example of effective flexibility, whether you are changing travel schedules at the last minute because a better fare has popped up or mulling over just the right combination of people and resources to accomplish a new project. From the mundane to the complex, you are always looking for the perfect configuration. Of course, you are at your best in dynamic situations. Confronted with the unexpected, some complain that plans devised with such care cannot be changed, while others take refuge in the existing rules or procedures. You don’t do either. Instead, you jump into the confusion, devising new options, hunting for new paths of least resistance, and figuring out new partnerships—because, after all, there might just be a better way.
Positivity
You are generous with praise, quick to smile, and always on the lookout for the positive in the situation. Some call you lighthearted. Others just wish that their glass were as full as yours seems to be. But either way, people want to be around you. Their world looks better around you because your enthusiasm is contagious. Lacking your energy and optimism, some find their world drab with repetition or, worse, heavy with pressure. You seem to find a way to lighten their spirit. You inject drama into every project. You celebrate every achievement. You find ways to make everything more exciting and more vital. Some cynics may reject your energy, but you are rarely dragged down. Your Positivity won’t allow it. Somehow you can’t quite escape your conviction that it is good to be alive, that work can be fun, and that no matter what the setbacks, one must never lose one’s sense of humor.
Responsibility
Your Responsibility theme forces you to take psychological ownership for anything you commit to, and whether large or small, you feel emotionally bound to follow it through to completion. Your good name depends on it. If for some reason you cannot deliver, you automatically start to look for ways to make it up to the other person. Apologies are not enough. Excuses and rationalizations are totally unacceptable. You will not quite be able to live with yourself until you have made restitution. This conscientiousness, this near obsession for doing things right, and your impeccable ethics, combine to create your reputation: utterly dependable. When assigning new responsibilities, people will look to you first because they know it will get done. When people come to you for help—and they soon will—you must be selective. Your willingness to volunteer may sometimes lead you to take on more than you should.
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